Anime Battle Royal II: Sec0nd 2oming
by directsun
Summary: Your favorite Anime and Gaming characters are back to fight to the death in the second annual ABR!


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Anime Battle Royal II: $econd 2oming

Wednesday, November 6, 2002

Sun, Snorb, and Matt along with the souls of a few others are belonging to us. All other characters either featured or mentioned are the property of their respective owners.

ABR is a fanfiction made for *FUN*, not to be confused with FUNimation (which is a dirty, awful, terrible, dreadful, appalling, shocking, ghastly, horrific, dire, wicked, corrupt, immoral, depraved, debauched, unscrupulous, ruthless, merciless, cruel, putrid, rancid, and evil company). And was not meant to infringe any copyrights or make blacklist companies ^_^.

The Anime Battle Royal II (c) 2002 - THE END OF TIME

*******************************WARNING********************************

This FanFiction has been rated PG-13 by the CFFRA (Chris FanFiction Rating Assosiation) for language and some sexual comments that kids wouldn't understand anyway. Now if you are under 13 please have a parent or guardian standing over your shoulder to make show you don't read anything bad.

*******************************WARNING********************************

For who have forgotten:

()'s are stage directions. []'s are thought's, author's notes, and fight headers. ** is an onomatopoeia.

))))))))) NOTE (((((((((

Woooot! It's been such a long while since the ORIGINAL ABR back in the 2001-02

school year, but now, it's BACK! And it's unstoppable! So, enjoy. And read the 2001: A Space Odyssey series. Very good.

P.S. This looks best in a monospaced font, such as Fixedsys.

P.S.S. Spoiled beef ahoy for a couple of Square RPGs. You were warned.

))))))))) NOTE (((((((((

Written by: Snorb

Published By: Sun

Nothinged by: Matt

-_=_-_=_- -_=_-_=_-

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(The Arena)

Stern-voiced Narrator: This is your stern-voiced narrator speaking. When we

last left the Cell Games Arena, most of humanity has been killed off in the

brutal deathmatch between Jigglypuff and Super-saiyan Trunks. But, not to

worry, as ROM constructs of our original judges have been created, and all

the anime/video game characters have been redrawn from their cartridges.

(judges' booth)

Matt: Wow. In the first three sentences, you managed to rip off both The

Fugitive and Neuromancer. I'm impressed.

Snorb: Yeah. Hey, if the four of us were ROM constructs, whatever happened

to Sun and Tox? And why do we have flesh bodies?

Stern-voiced Narrator: Oops. I meant that your dead brains have been

kickstarted. The fee just "happened" to cost every piece of money you had.

Matt: Oh. Well, the stadium is still how we remember it...

Snorb: Crushed east block grandstand, blood everywhere, thick layer of dust

covering our judge equipment... Ugh, man!

Matt: We even left Ryo here?!

Snorb: Hey, -I'm- not cleaning him out of the stands.

(one sprucing-up period later...)

Matt: (looks at throng of anime and video game characters) Welcome!

Crowd: YAYAYAYAYAYAY

Snorb: Okay... all 50000 of you are semifinalists for the ABR2. We shall now

narrow it down to sixteen!

Matt: This phishbowl has all of your names in it. We will draw two names at a

time, as you will now be partnered with someone of our choosing.

Snorb: First, the backup judges! (draws name) ....who the...?

Matt: Lemme see.... Ranma Saotome! Step forward please!

Ranma: Okay. I had to tear myself away from Akane and Shampoo, but I'm here!

Just don't get me-

Matt and Snorb: (dump ice-cold Gatorade on Ranma)

Ranma: ...wet. (turns female) Dammit.

Matt: And our other winner is... Aeris Gainsborough?!

Snorb: Fine. Step up here.

Aeris: Who wants a flower? ^_^

Matt: Whatever. Now, our four backup judges have already been chosen. Please

give a nice Dallas welcome to Aeris, and a ABR welcome to... Bob Villa!

Crowd: BOOOOOOO

Bob Villa: On today's show, I'll make you kiss my-

Snorb: Rikku.

Rikku: (jumps thirty vertical feet into the judges' booth) :B [:P]

Crowd: (chanting) STRIP STRIP STRIP STRIP STRIP STRIP STRIP .....YAYAYAYAYAY

Snorb: (nosebleeds)

Matt: Put your clothes back on, Rikku.

Rikku: Cunno! [Sorry!] (puts shirt back on)

Snorb: ...Sun.

Crowd: ..........

Matt: AAAAaaaand our friend David.

David: Hi.

Matt: Okay... our first team will be... (draws names) ...Chaz Ashley...

Chaz: Aaagh! Why'd you have to say my full name?! AAaaaaaaahh!

Rune: Heh, Shorty's last name is a girl's name! Ha haaa!

Crowd: (laughing hysterically)

Matt: ...and Rika.

Rika: Yes! I get to do battle with Chaz!

Rikku: You're on his side, Rika!

Snorb: ...Why does Rika seem a bit TOO eager to fight with Chaz?

Rikku: Maybe she wants a different kind of fight with him.

Snorb: ...riiight. Next team... (draws) Vash the Stampede...

Vash: Eee-heeheee! I hope this all ends with a minimal loss of life!

Rikku: You're new to this, aren't you?

Snorb: ...and Legato Bluesummer.

Vash and Legato: (look at each other) AW, *HORSESHIT*!

Sun: Hang on! We're gonna have to make sure Legato doesn't use his powers to

alter the match outcomes! (takes out a Minority Report halo) Here now... (puts

it on Legato)

Legato: *drool* *drool* Duh?

Sun: Oops! I set it to "Drooling Idiot!" (resets halo) There.

Legato: Hey, my powers are gone. And I -still- sound like a British asshole.

Vash: I'll kill you! ...After the match, which I still hope won't involve my

breaking character by killing anyone.

Legato: I assume that I will be using the word "partner" rather lightly, as I

will be bearing the whole of the workload?

Vash: Correct.

Rikku: (shoves Bob out of the way) Move. I'll pick a team that isn't always

at each others' throats. (picks names) Mega Man, and ... (sweatdrops)

Mega Man: Lemme guess. It's Proto Man, right?

Rikku: (reads name) Yeah.

Proto Man: You fucking Al Bhed! (fires Proto Blaster into judges booth)

Rikku: ...Ooh, a Gil! (bends down to pick up the coin. The blast arcs over her

head)

Matt, Snorb and Sun: (look at Rikku's butt)

Aeris: You can use it to buy a flOWWOWOWWWWWWWW (flesh disintegrates) AAAAAAAA

AAAAAHHHHHH (skeleton thrashes for a few seconds, then disintegrates)

Rikku: ^_^ Got it! ... (pockets Gil)

Sun: That's a death scream?!

Matt: Hey, where'd Aeris go?

Rikku: I think you're standing in her.

Matt: Oh.

Bob Vila: Next team will build a 23x30 cabinet. They are... Mr. Satan...

Crowd: YAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAY

Bob: ...and will be assisted by Android #18!

Mr. Satan: Ha haaaa! I am still! (poses) The best!

#18: Yeah. Sure.

Matt: Our next pairing is... (reads names) ...Oh, my Holy God.

Snorb: Who is it?

Matt: (shows names to Snorb)

Snorb: You're shitting me.

Matt: I shit you not. Cloud Strife...

Cloud: Ha ha ha haaaaa! I'm back!

Matt: Good for you! Your partner is-

Cloud: ^_^ PLEASE PLEEAASE LET IT BE TIFA

Matt: Okay. Assuming she's got white hair and a huge-ass sword.

Cloud: Oh, crap. Not...

Sephiroth: YOU?! ME?! PARTNERS?!

Cloud: Hey, it worked five years ago.

Sephiroth: (think for a minute) Heh, that it did. As I recall, *I* seemed to do most of the killing.

Cloud: But you used a Quake2 Materia without using any MP! How'd you do that?!

Rikku: (shoves Sephiroth out of the way) He'll tell you later. Next pair is... (draws names) Serge...

Serge: ..... (waves Spectra Swallow)

Bob Vila: Should we tell him that he's in a seq- (judges shut him up)

Ranma: Hush! If Serge finds out that he's in a ...S-E-Q-U-E-L...

Serge: GaaaaaaaaaaAACK! (falls over)

Matt: Oh, my God! Serge has succumbed to FoxDie!

Snorb: No, he didn't. He just had his vocal cords unparalyzed.

Serge: (gets up) Say it again! Say it again!

Ranma: Sequel.

Serge: Sa-wEEEEEEEET~! (break dances)

Sun: Now I *know* why Serge never said anything last time.

Snorb: I know. He has absolutely nothing important to say.

Serge: Who's my partner, guys?! Is it (pictures pop up behind Serge as he says the names) Leena? Kid? Miki? Irenes? Orlha?

Riddel?

Rikku: (looks at other name) Who gets to break the bad news to him?

Ranma: Since I'm not getting any good dialogue here, I do. Serge, your partner is some guy named... dammit, I can't read

your handwriting, man... (squint) Liiiiinnk...s?

Serge: (pictures shatter like the Xenogears battle transition) No... not...

Lynx: Hey, YOU try writing when you have paws and not hands!

Serge: I DEMAND A RECOUNT

Snorb: Fine. SEEEErrrrRRRRRGEEEE.... and LYYYYNNNNnnNNNXXXXx.

Serge: Dammit!

Lynx: At least I get this kick-ass Spectra Swallow...

Serge: Hey! That's MINE! Gimme! (snatches Lynx's Spectra Swallow)

Lynx: MINE! (snatches it back)

Serge: MINE!

Lynx: *MINE*!

Matt: *sigh* Rikku? Do your stuff.

Rikku: You got it! (jumps into crowd) (Special/Steal/Serge and Lynx) (swish! swish!) ^_^ Ha haaa! (stole Spectra Swallowx2!)

Now, if you promise to be big boys, I'll give them back!

Lynx: (poses) @Forever...

Rikku: !!! (Undo Last) (unstole Spectra Swallow x2) Hereyagohereyagohereyagoo! Cunno! (back into the booth.)

Ranma: Okay... you. Bluehair. Cast a blue Element on me, please. Get that cat-thing to help you out.

Serge: Duh... okay. (poses) AquaBeam +1!

Lynx: (at the same time) (poses) Fireball! 

Ranma: Umm.... oops. (gets hit by the fireball and aqua beam) YEEEEeEEEEOWWWWWW! (turns back into a male) Thanks....

(shakes excess water off) Okay... our next team is... (takes names) #151...

Snorb: What the hell?! #151?!

#18: There's a #151?!

Sun: There's a #151?!

Mew: Mew. Mew mew.

Ranma: ...(sweatdrop) OOOooh, I get it now! Pokemon #151! Ha ha... had us fooled for a minute.

Everybody: (fall down)

Ranma: Your partner is... Scratch.

Matt: There's another semi-obscure one.

Ugly cat: Meow! (looks at Mew) FFFFTT! HISS!

Mew: Mew! (puts protective bubble around itself)

Bob Vila: Okay. Our final competitors in the BuildOff 2002 are... "Fighter"...

Fighter: (pushes people out of his way) ^_^ I like swords!

Bob Vila: And your partner shall be...

Fighter: Oh, please let it be my best friend in all the world, Black Mage!

Black Mage: ...Over my dead body.

Bob Vila: ...a black mage!

Black Mage: DAMMIT!

Fighter: Oh, look at it this way, BM-

Black Mage: Don't call me that.

Fighter: You get to use your magic while I kill things with my swords! I like swords! (waves sword)

Black Mage: Now that I look at it that way... HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!

White Mage: (pulls out hammer) *thwack!* *bonk!* *clobber!* *etc.!*

Black Mage: ...I hate you all.

Matt: Okay. We have our sixteen contestants. They may go into the workout area. The rest of you can bugger off!

(most of the crowd disperses)

Faye Valentine: (opens jacket even more than it already is) Hey! I thought I got to be in this!

Ritsuko: And me!

Airi: And what about a great actress such as myself?

Beatrix: Surely *I* should be in the tournament, also! (waves Save The Queen)

Quistis: I should join, too!

Yuffie: Me too~! ^_^

Ranma: We already chose. So get lost.

Snorb: We'll have to ask the Man in Charge (tm).

Faye: Who the hell is that?!

Matt: Me! And I say... (looks at all of 'em) You're all in. As cheerleaders.

Ritsuko: Okay... Plan "B"! Ready, Faye? (raises assault rifle)

Faye: Ready, Rit-chan! (raises pistol)

Ritsuko: Mikei! Help us out!

Snorb: Ohhh, SHIT (ducks)

Matt: Who the hell is Mikei?! I don't watch Those Who Hunt Elves!

T-74 tank: (rolls into arena, points turret at booth) Arf!

Ritsuko: ^_^ Good boy, Mikei! FIIRE~!

(the tank fires its big-assed cannon and Yuffie throws her giant shuriken, while Ritsuko and Faye fire at the judges'

booth.)

Judges: "Oh, shit!" "DUCK!" "It's a raid!" "Hey, I'm prettier than all of you!" "Firearm demolition! I like your style!"

"Aaaaack!" "......" (Guess what Aeris is saying.)

(forty-seven minutes and twelve seconds later...)

Ritsuko: ...okay. That's all my ammo. Beatrix! Quisty! Airi! Go in there and thwack the judges!

Matt: ^_^ How about we do this your way, gals? What about a "peaceful rendezvous," just like you wanted-

Quistis, Beatrix, and Airi: (brandish whip, Save the Queen, and sword) CHAAAAAAAARGGE~!!

Adelbert: Hey, that's a "Swd Art", not a "Seiken"! Beatrix, you Ability thief! (bounces up and down repeatedly)

Beatrix: :P

(another half hour later...)

Matt: (badly cut and burned) Okay. You get your battle. Three on three.

Quistis, Yuffie, Beatrix, Ritsuko, Airi, and Faye: Yes! (all high-five)

Snorb: During the halftime, a'course.

Quistis, Yuffie, Beatrix, Ritsuko, Airi, and Faye: Oh.

Matt: And furthermore, the winners of YOUR battle gets to fight the winners of OUR battle to see who the best is!

Snorb: Didn't we prove last year that it was Jigglypuff?

Matt and Sun: NO.

Snorb: Oh.

Matt: Oh, and the rules from last time still apply!

Sun: Which would be...?

Stern-Voiced Narrator: The fight lasts until one or more of the following happens: Individual or mutual unconsciousness.

Brutal death. Fistic amputation of no fewer than three limbs. Or, the general tearing-asunder of one or both parties. Since

violence increases directsun.net's hit counter, any and ALL unnecessary violence is heartily encouraged. So, be bad as you

can be!

(randomizing seeds... hang on a second.)

(okay, I'm back, and I really DID randomly draw all ten groups. In case you care as to how, head on over to digitalmzx.net,

and download MegaZeux v2.62. Yep, it's a game creator!)

Snorb: Okay, it took fifteen minutes of debugging, and other horrible mathmatics which I later omitted, but I did it! The

bracket is as follows:

THE REAL DEAL

Vash and Legato \

Mega Man and Proto Man / ??????????\

Chaz and Rika \ ??????????/

Serge and Lynx / ?????????????????\

Fighter and Black Mage \ ?????????????????/

Mr. Satan and #18 / ??????????\ 

Mew and Scratch \ ??????????/

Cloud and Sephiroth /

THE ANIME BABES

Yuffie, Faye, and Ritsuko \

Beatrix, Quistis, and Airi/

Matt: Okay, now that we've got that all out of the way, let's get our first fight out of the way! And somebody clean Ryo's

body out of that seat! It's been there since last November...

[Fight One- Vash and Legato vs. Mega Man and Proto Man: Kiss My Ass, Issac Asimov!]

(door opens, and Aeris enters)

Aeris: Here I am, so let's judge the fights!

Rikku: (looks at powder on floor) But... you...? (sweatdrops)

Mega Man: Looks like trouble, Proto!

Proto Man: Piss off. I'm having identity issues at the moment.

Mega Man: You mean, like-

Proto Man: No, I'm trying to figure out if I'm a good guy or a bad guy.

Mega Man: Good guy! GOOD GUY!

Legato: Hey, can you hurry it up? I have a Gung-Ho Gun meeting to attend soon, you know!

Mega and Proto: (look at each other) Good. (both fire rapidly at Legato)

Legato: Whoa! (jumps) Shit! (somersaults) Watchout! (cartwheels) Where is that nimrod, anyway?

Vash: ^_^ ...that's right, Rikku! Knives shot it clean off! (detaches gunarm) See?

Rikku: Eew.

Vash: But look what else it can do! (pushes button on arm, and it unfolds into machine gun)

Rikku: Why are you showing this to me?

Vash: ^_^ Because you're cute!

Legato: (shouting) Hey! Vash! I could use a little help, here! (ducks more blasts)

Vash: *sigh* (attaches arm) I'm comin', I'm comin'... (enters arena) What seems to be the problem here?

Legato: You! Kill! NOW!

Vash: Me? Kill? Sorry, I can't!

Mega Man: Then this should be easy! (fires at Vash)

Vash: Aaack! (ducks. The blast knocks his sunglasses off) M... my glasses...

Legato: You looked like a moron in them, anyway! But, the lenses can be useful... Gimme your gun!

Vash: Sure. But... (Legato puts the sunglass lenses into the machine gun arm)

Legato: Watch. (fires modified gun. The blast takes out part of the stands)

Vash: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Proto Man: Eat this, Vash the Stampede! (fires)

Vash: !!! (ducks)

(booth)

Aeris: You know, maybe Vash should do something. Even *I* attacked while Cloud had me in the party.

Matt: Good for you!

Ranma: Maybe Vash is afraid?

Bob Vila: No, he just genuinely sucks.

(arena)

Vash: I can't kill, Legato! It's not nice!

Legato: Vash. Turn that way. (leans into Vash's ear) THEY'RE NOT REAL, YOU DUMB SHIT! THEY'RE MECHANICAL! THEY ARE PUPPETS!

SEE ALSO "STRIFE, CLOUD" AND "TRIBAL, ZIDANE"!

(stands)

Cloud: Hey, they *proved* me to be real!

Zidane: Nononono, I was a *VESSEL*, not a puppet!

Cloud: Same difference.

Zidane: Shaddap.

(arena)

Legato: Gimme that gun, Hans Halfwitten! Observe! (shoots at Proto Man. His arm gets shot off)

Proto Man: Aaack! My arm! My valuable arm!

Mega Man: I'm sure Dr. Light will patch it back on for you, crybaby! (fires at Legato)

Vash: If they're not... then that means, I can do... (snatches gun)

Legato, Matt, Sun, Snorb, David, Rikku, Ranma, and Bob Vila: Uh-oh... (all hide)

Vash: ERRRAAAAAAAAGG.... nope. Legato, piss me off more.

Legato: Sure. Your hair is fruity!

Vash: WwwAAAAAHHH!

Legato: You're a chicken-wuss!

Vash: NooO! Stop!

Legato: Meryl's flatter than the monitor Snorb's writing this on!

Vash: Please, stop!

Mega Man: You're *OLD*!

Vash: That's it! (gun opens up, grows into arm) TIME TO DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS! (charges an Angel Arm)

Legato: (jumps into judges booth)

Vash: DIEEEEEEEEEEEE~! (fires Angel Arm. Mega Man jumps into a conveinent concrete bunker)

Proto Man: Oh, shiiIIAIAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH! (explodes)

Sun: Whoa, cool! Shrapnel flew everywhere!

David: I guess it's safe to come out, now?

Matt: Sure, why not?

(all pop out)

Rikku: Hey, that was sweet! Hey, let's see that again, Vashie! ^_^

Vash: Well, (Mega Man gets out of bunker, without right leg) I'm fairly sure I can't do that again (Mega Man aims at Vash)

for six episodes... you see...

Legato: Vash! Turn around!

Vash: Huh- (Mega Man fires. The blast hits Vash's neck and detaches his head)

Vash's Body: *THUD*

Vash's Head: (flies through the air)Loooooovveee aaaaannnnndddd peeeeeaaaaaaaccccceeeeeE! ........x_X (lands in Aeris's lap)

Aeris: Wh...wh...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK! (has a heart attack and drops dead on the spot)

Matt: Wow, sweet! Vash killed Aeris!

Mega Man: (hobbles over to Proto Man's remains) Okay. Time to "Get equip with" stuff. (touches Proto Man's right leg) Get

equip with PROTO MAN'S RIGHT LEG! And as for my foe... (walks over to Vash's body)

Legato: Hey, you leave him alone, punk!

Mega Man: Nonononono, you don't get it. When I kill a boss, I get his weapon. That's the way it's always been. Even in Mega

Man 64. (touches Vash's body) Yeah! (turns red and black) Get equip with ANGEL ARM!

Legato: (bigsweat) Oh, shit.

Mega Man: (switches to Angel Arm) Say bye-bye.

Legato: (rips off Vash's gunarm) Okay... how to fire this thing...?

Mega Man: (fires Angel Arm)

Legato: (barely avoids the blast) Dammit, Vash! How do I do this?!

Mega Man: (switches to Mega Buster) Crap, out of energy! I hate this thing already.

Legato: I'll teach you to kill my enemy! Especially since *I* wanted to kill him!

Mega Man: Enh. (fires, takes off Legato's arm)

Legato: (looks at bleeding stump) AAAAAAARRRRRGHGHH! What the hell happened to my ARM!?

Sun: It got shot off!

Rikku: Duh!

Matt: It's the one-armed man!

Doctor Kimball: I thought he jumped off a building just before I could capture him.

Matt: ...the OTHER one-armed man!

Legato: It's a longshot, but... (attaches Vash's gun arm) Now, if I... (unfolds arm)

Mega Man: Oh, crap!

Legato: EAT LEAD (fires gun arm repeatedly)

Mega Man: Ouch ow oh crap ow ow ow ouch ouch AAaaaAAAHHHHHHH! (explodes)

Legato: (folds arm) Ha ha ha haaa! I win!

Sun: No, you don't. We, the judges say who wins and who does not! And we say, you win!

Snorb: Okay, we have a problem. Should Legato go on without his partner?

Matt: I say we leave him to his own devices!

Bob Vila: I want to build a cabinet.

Rikku: (steals Matt's socks) :B [:P]

Matt: My socks! Give them back!

Rikku: No.

Matt: Damn!

Snorb: Ah, we'll worry about Bluesummer later. We've got another group that wants a battle.

[Fight Two- Chaz and Rika vs. Serge and Lynx: Just Wait 'Til Your Father Gets Home]

Serge: Hey, shouldn't somebody clean what's left of Vash and the 'bots up?

Lynx: (rolls eyes) You're MY son?

Serge: That's what Crono and Marle said at the Edge of Time.

Lynx: Why do I have to deal with you? At least I have- THIS! (pulls out Spectra Swallow)

Serge: Hey, I have one of those, too! (pulls out Spectra Swallow)

Chaz: ......(squint) What are they -doing-?!

Rika: (looks into binoculars) =( How boring! They're holding a practice duel! Why don't we do something like that, Chaz?

Chaz: (takes binoculars, looks into them) Boy, they sure take their practice seriously...

Serge: (bleeding from face and arms) You're a lousy father! (doubleslashes Lynx)

Lynx: (bleeding from chest, leg, and stomach) You rat bastard! (jabs Serge)

Serge: You tried to kill me and that hottie Kid! (slashes Lynx)

Lynx: You never got me anything on Father's Day! (poses) @FeralCats! (several pairs of eyes appear in the darkness) Get 'im,

boys! (points at Serge) (the magic cats all scratch Serge)

Serge: You took over my first body, asshole! (poses) @Luminaire! (fires blasts of holy energy)

Chaz: (sheathes Elsydeon) Tell you what, Rika. We'll let them blast each other into kingdom come.

Rika: (polishing SaberClaw) Why's that, Chaz?

Chaz: If they both die, we win.

Rika: But that's boring! Shouldn't we kill them ourselves?

Chaz: Why fight when you have friends to do so for you? The Relief Charm taught me that. (holds up Relief Charm)

Rika: Well, you can loaf about all you want, Chaz, but I'm gonna prove myself as a warrior! Just like Alis, Rolf, (Sean,

Crys, Adan, Aron), and Alys! (stretches and poses)

Chaz: (rolls eyes) Rika... (stares at Rika's butt)

Serge: (sagging, drenched in blood) Crybaby! (thwacks Lynx)

Lynx: (sagging, with a partially dismembered arm) You pain in the ass! (punches Serge)

Serge: (poses) @DashAndSlash!

Lynx: (at the same time) (poses) @GlideHook!

Rika: Okay, Insulas! It's time you met Rika, daughter of SEED! I'm gonna-

Serge: (blurs as Dash And Slash takes effect)

Lynx: (floats into the air)

Rika: (looks from Lynx to Serge, then to Chaz) Umm... ^_^; help?

Serge and Lynx: (slash at what they think is each other)

Chaz: Rika? (takes out binoculars) !!!

Rika: Chaz... I've been... struck... oh, who am I trying to kid?! That damn cat-person and his idiot son just hacked me in

half! (dies)

Rikku: Oh, the poor girl. Shouldn't we say a few words?

Aeris: Sure. Rika Nolastnamegiven was a pink-haired woman who loved picking fights, only if Chaz were backing her up,

though.

Chaz: Hey! Nobody speaks about Rika like that! Not even you!

Aeris: But I was just saying a few kind-

Matt: (stuffy British accent) Today, young Miss Gainsborough learns of Chaz Ashley's quick temper.

Chaz: (uses Relief Charm) Replace me with Kyra! (poof)

Blue-haired woman: (poof) (looks around) Hey, this isn't Esper Manor!

Serge: Hey, she has the same color hair as me!

Lynx: So do I! ...before FATE turned me into this, anyway.

Kyra: (looks at the rapidly approaching Serge) ...Who the hell are YOU?!

Serge: ^_^ Allow me to introduce myself, good lady! I am Serge! You must be that Kyra that Chaz was talking about, and I

must say that it's unfair that all the 16-bit games have the better-looking women than us 32-bit games!

Lynx: ?

Kyra: ?

Aeris: ?

Bob Vila: Well, I think that the proper clothes are important when starting any new construction project. Always wear safety

goggles, folks!

Kyra: (unfolds Titn-Slashrs) Look, I don't care who you are-

(stands)

Cloud: (frowns) Hey, that's my line.

(arena)

Kyra: -I just know that Chaz wants you dead.

Serge: Whoa! Hold on a second, Kyra!

Kyra: (throws Titn-Slashrs)

Serge: They hit every enemy! Duck, Dad! (he and Lynx duck)

Matt: Flying slashers! Hit the floor!

(Matt, Snorb, Sun, Rikku, Bob Vila, Ranma, and David all hit the floor)

Aeris: We're not her enemy! Why should we- (the Titn-Slashrs slice Aeris into dog chow!)

Judges: (stand up as Kyra catches the slashers)

Kyra: Oops! Sorry 'bout that!

Matt: No problem whatsoever!

Lynx: Okay, let's teach this blue-haired freak a lesson!

Serge: I resemble that remark!

Lynx: Tough! (poses) @GlideHook! (fizz, sputter, pop... nothing)

Serge: (sweatdrops) You might want this. Catch! (tosses a [x1]Recharge to Lynx)

Lynx: (catches it) Argh, my ARM, you stupid kid! (poses) [x1]Recharge @GlideHook! (@GlideHook recharges)

Serge: (poses) [x1]Recharge @DashAndSlash! (@DashAndSlash recharges) ...hey! Wait a minute! You know what we did last time,

Dad?

Lynx: Yeah.

Serge: (points at Kyra) Attack her until you have enough strength to use @GlideHook, okay?!

Lynx: (thinks for a minute) Got it!

Kyra: Eek. (taps L1)

Serge and Lynx: (freeze in place)

Kyra: Okay... let's see who I can swap myself out for... ah! (runs out of the arena)

Hahn: (rushes into arena, draws Titn-Daggers) Yes, what is it? (looks at Serge and Lynx) (taps L1) (runs out of arena)

Chaz: (rushes into arena, draws Elsydeon) Nothing to fear, the hero is here! (taps X)

Serge and Lynx: (unfreeze, continue towards Chaz)

Chaz: ...This could be bad.

Serge: (doubleslashes Chaz)

Lynx: (doubleslashes Chaz)

Chaz: Ouch! (poses) GiWat! (fires electricity at Serge)

Serge: OWOWOWOWOWWWWWWWWW (sags)

Matt: Cripes, how much punishment can they TAKE?!

Snorb: A lot- only about 999HP each.

Rikku: That's not a lot...

David: Well, you can take 9999HP just fine...

Serge and Lynx: (pose) @XSlash! (@DashAndSlash and @GlideHook take effect)

Chaz: AAAAAACCCKK! (ducks both slashes)

Serge and Lynx: (look at each other) You IDIOT!

Chaz: Let's see how you like THIS! (poses) NaFoi! (throws a fireball at Lynx)

Lynx: Huh?! WHAAAAAA! (catches fire) AAaaaarrgh! I KNEW I should have worn cotton clothes instead of silk! Aaaargh! Why

didn't I shave today! OWwwwwwww!

Serge: Gee, tough luck.

Lynx: Seerge! Do something!

Serge: (fumbles through Element grid) Okay. (poses) HellBound!

Lynx: WHAT?!

Serge: I've had enough of your bad-mouthing me, Dad! You're worse than Jecht!

(stands)

Tidus: Hey, I got along with my old man just fine at the end of FF10! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go jam a

pineapple up Jecht's ass. See ya! (leaves)

(arena)

Lynx: AAaaaaaarrrrgghhhhhh... (ground turns into a vortex, and Lynx is sucked in...)

(.....)

Matt: And the ground reforms, and Lynx is NOT there!

Snorb: I can't believe that worked with a non-Black Field Effect.

Serge: Hey, you! We seem to be partnerless...

Chaz: Right...

Serge: You have a sword, and I have a sparkly boat oar. Wanna team up? I'll give you half the money!

Chaz: ...Whatever.

Serge: Yay! Now turn into that hot blue-haired chick again.

Chaz: No way. I knew you'd be too interested in her! (poses) NaRimit! (Serge's nervous system shuts down)

Serge: ....URrraaacht! (falls over) x_X

Matt: That's gonna leave a mark.

Rikku: Tough luck for him. On an abrupt change of topic, here's the current standings!

THE REAL DEAL

Vash and Legato \

Mega Man and Proto Man / Legato \

Chaz and Rika \ Chaz /

Serge and Lynx / ?????????????????\

Fighter and Black Mage \ ?????????????????/

Mr. Satan and #18 / ??????????\ 

Mew and Scratch \ ??????????/

Cloud and Sephiroth /

THE ANIME BABES

Yuffie, Faye, and Ritsuko \

Beatrix, Quistis, and Airi/

Snorb: But, he DID raise an interesting point, guys. Shouldn't we clean up the arena after each battle?

Sun: It's not in the budget.

[Fight Three- Fighter and Black Mage vs. Mr. Satan and #18: The Cold Calculating Dictators and the Retards]

Matt: But enough of that, we've a battle to fight! So, without further ado-

*ding.*

(arena)

Fighter: ^_^ I like swords.

Black Mage: Good. Now, stick the business end into the things that scream and bleed.

Fighter: .....I like swords!

Black Mage: *groan*

#18: That is it. Victory is in our grasp.

Mr. Satan: I! Am! The best! (rubs finger under nose)

#18: ...Now I know how the thing with the hat feels.

Black Mage: Fighter! Do something!

Fighter: ^_^ I still like swords!

Voice: Do my dice rolls deceive me, or do I hear someone calling for help?!

All: Who the-

Man in Red Suit: (swings into arena on a rope) I! AM! THE RED MAGE! CHEESEY LENS FLARE GOOOOOOo~! (cheesey lens flare...

um... goes.)

Black Mage: Red Mage! Bitchen'!

Red Mage: Ah, so I see you two have problems with an arrogant man and a living robot! Well, I have a +5/+5 in dealing with

Metal Men, so...

#18: WHAT is he talking about?

Mr. Satan: He's admitting that out of the two of us, I! Am! THE BEST!

Red Mage: Fir-2! (throws fireball at #18)

#18: (turns red-hot) YEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWW! (runs about screaming)

Mr. Satan: No, no, no! Run THAT (points at Fighter and Black Mage) way!

#18: Got it! (rushes) OOOWWWWWW

Fighter: Gee. Now what?

Red Mage: We attack it with swords!

Fighter: I like swords! ^_^

Red Mage: Now, this will require PINPOINT timing- ready, Fighter? ......Fighter?

Fighter: (already on the way) Sword sword sword swordity sword (swings sword)

#18: I'M MELLLLTING!! .....Great. Now I have no legs. Dammit.

Red Mage: *sigh*

(booth)

Rikku: You know, they're two dimensional. Maybe if they turned around ninety degrees...

Matt: That won't work! Seeing as Mr. Satan and #18 are cel-anime, they can see other two dimensional characters!

Rikku: =(

Ranma: That's right, but people such as Rikku can't see me. Observe! (turns sideways)

Matt: Whoa! Where'd ya go?!

Aeris: I can still hear him, but I can't see him! ...I'm gonna get a soda. Anyone want one?

Judges: Not from YOU!

Aeris: Oh, .;|;;

Sun: Whatever that means.

Ranma: YOoU can't SeeEE meeE!

(arena)

Red Mage and Fighter: (attacking #18 with swords)

Black Mage: Hmm.... I have a plan... however, I don't know if this will work until Final Fantasy IX, though... hey, RM!

Red Mage: Yes?!

Black Mage: Wanna try what Vivi and Adelbert do?

Red Mage: Well, the odds of Swd Mgc working are about 21! But, I have a +72 boost in Sword Use! So, cast away!

Black Mage: ..... (evil grin)

Fighter: (looks at melted remains of #18) Tsk. Now, I've got molten metal on my sword. =(

(booth)

Aeris: I'm back! (trips, spills soda)

Ranma: Hah, you can't see (turns female)

Judges: (look at two red semi-circles floating in midair)

Ranma: GOD DAMMIT*(P!^)(^$)&(*!^&&*!!!!

Snorb: I've never seen Ranma 1/2 before, but I'll take it as a safe bet that SAOTOME IS PISSED.

Ranma: I'll kick your ass, toad! (slaps Aeris around)

(arena)

Black Mage: ............

Red Mage: Anytime you're ready.

Black Mage: ......HADOOOKEN! (fires a Hadoken at Fighter)

Fighter: Okay, now I raise the sword like this, and WAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHH! (turns darker, falls flat on face)

Black Mage: (runs over to Fighter's sword, starts dancing) Ha haa! I'm dancing on Fighter's grave! Look at me!

(booth)

Ranma: Eat fist, bitch! (throws Aeris to the ground and starts punching her) Lookit me, everyone! I'm Cloud Strife!

Matt: .....Nah, that joke's too obscure. Change it.

Snorb: No way.

Rikku: I get it.

Bob Vila: However, some simple man-power can be used instead to cut wood. Observe. (puts blocks of wood on Aeris's face)

Ranma: (punch punch punch)

Bob Vila: And voila! Perfectly cut lumber!

Ranma: (throws Aeris out of the judges booth!)

Judges: (cheering, praising Ranma. Rikku offers a cup of tea)

Ranma: Thank you, Rikku! (pours tea on self, becomes male) AAAAHH! SCALDING!!

(arena)

Black Mage: (still dancing) C'mon, everybody! Do the Black Mage! ....Especially you, 3D girl who's falling out of the sky!

Aeris: ....eeeeeEEEEEEEEKKKKKK! (impales on Fighter's sword)

Red Mage: Hmm! The odds of Fighter's sword landing point up when he died were about 50-50... I could have sworn it was

point DOWN when Mr. Satan ki blasted him, tho... and his sword is stronger than mine!

Thief: Allow me! (swish!) (steals Fighter's sword) (swish!) Here you are!

(booth)

Rikku: Wh- what the?! That blue-haired punk! He's stealing my best moves! You know what this means, guys?!

Matt: Nope. What?

Rikku: (jumps out of booth)

(arena)

Rikku: (lands) Hey! YOU!

Thief: Yes? (pickpockets Red Mage and Mr. Satan)

Rikku: YOU! (pickpockets Snorb) ME! (pickpockets Matt) STEALING CONTEST! (pickpockets Bob Vila) HUF! [NOW!] (pickpockets

Yuffie)

Thief: You've got it! (swish!)

(Final Fantasy IX)

Garland: "I am an enemy of the people of Gaia," he said. (Rikku appears)

Rikku: Chydlro chydlro! [Snatchy snatchy!] (steals Garland's armor and disappears)

Eiko: Hmm... heh heh.... *blush*

Vivi: AAAaaaAAACK! (casts Firaga on self)

Garland: ...Hey, what the hell? Your next line is "No, you're lying! You're a bad man!"

(Final Fantasy IV)

Cecil: ...All right.

Thief: (appears) Hmm! A rarity! (steals Cecil's Dark Knight armor and disappears)

Crew: Boss! What happened to YOU?!

Crew: Weren't you wearing armor in Mysidia...?

Cecil: Hmm? AAHHH YOURE SEEING MY HALF LUNAR HAIR AAAAHH I HAVE SEEN FUTURE FF4 EVENTS AAHH I BROKE THE FOURTH WALL

AAAAAHHHH (jumps off the airship)

(arena)

Mr. Satan: You! Are! The worst! (rushes Black Mage and Red Mage)

Black Belt: (enters) You know, maybe NOW would be a great time to prove myself to White Mage! (charges Mr. Satan)

Both: *klunk*

Mr. Satan: I am still standing! I! Am! The best! (finger under nose, again...)

(booth)

Bob Vila: And when sanding, be ABSOLUTELY SURE to file down all the rough edges. (sand, sand)

Rikku: (swish!) (steals sandpaper, turns towards camera, and gives a ^_^ and peace sign) (swish!)

Bob Vila: (starts bleeding on cabinet) Next time, we'll discuss staining your cabinets! It's good to have you Home Again!

(arena)

Black Mage: Well, if YOU know black magic, and I know black magic...

Red Mage: Then we can combine our spells, and create a SUPER black magic spell! (charges Lit-2)

Black Mage: (charges Lit-3, both fire)

Mr. Satan: HOLLLY SHIT A LIT-5 SPELL SET TO "ELECTROMAGNETIC"

Black Mage: Dodge that, man!

Mr. Satan: (does so)

Black Mage: What the FUCK was that?!

Thief: (swish!) (steals Black Mage's hat and Red Mage's mask) (swish!)

Mr. Satan: Now you will... (looks at BM and RM) Ahh.. AAhh... AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH! (head explodes)

Crowd: (most follow suit)

Black Mage: What? What is it?

Red Mage: It appears that our facial accroutiments have been removed from our persons! I smell a thief!

Thief: ...Sorry. (returns mask and hat)

(booth)

Matt: And, in another stunning victory, Mr. Satan's head has exploded, along with most of our paying customers! Life does

NOT get any better!

Snorb: Well, it would, if Rikku got back here... =(

(England)

Ozzy Osbourne: (looks at TV, watching ABR2) F####n' twits!

Sharon: What's that?

Ozzy: (Rikku appears) They're f####n' twits for thinkin' that a celebrity appearance would boost their ratings! (Rikku

steals Ozzy's glasses and disappears)

Sharon: Maybe they wanted to rip off Austin Powers 3.

Ozzy: ......F####n' twits, that's what they are. It's all bull####.

Thief: (appears) (pickpockets Ozzy) Damn! Nothing! Not even the stage directions caught Rikku swiping Ozzy's wallet!

Ozzy: Right, now one of them eight-bit f###s is in m' f####n' living room!

Thief: !!! (swish!)

Ozzy: F####n' twit. I shoulda blew his f######## head off with a shotgun... *sigh* I am so incredibly and unbelievably

fucking DRUNK right now...

(booth, some time later...)

Rikku: (appears) Hey, guys! Stealing contest's over!

Matt: What did ya steal?

Rikku: ^_^ (opens swag bag) I found... some wallets, watches, some black armor, a great big bowl of Hamburger Helper, an

Elvish sword of great antiquity, a Triforce, the long banned original Star Trek phaser that actually works, some Rikku

dolls, machine screws, jewelry, underwear, Elvis's guitar, Ozzy's sunglasses, the Crown Jewels of England, a Maple Beanie

Baby, the entire contents of Fort Knox, a DeLorean, one piece of 150-grit sandpaper, a collection of glowing marbles

belonging to one "Y.KISARAGI", the only known print of "Slayers Hentai~111!", a copy of Finaru Fantajii V English [one out

of 5000 EVER], and... the piece d'resistance...... (takes out...) Santa's bag of toys.

Sun: And what did Thief find?

Thief: ....A wallet and a sheet of lint from a clothes dryer. =(

Rikku: (poses) I win again!

Ranma: And so do the two mages! Cool!

[Fight Four- Mew and Scratch vs. Cloud and Sephiroth: Matches Made in Heaven]

Cloud: Lemme get this straight, Sephy...

Sephiroth: Don't call me that. Ever.

Cloud: Sorry. Anyways, let's see... We've gotta beat the crap out of two cats.

Sephiroth: ...We've got two unnecessarily large swords.

Cloud: It's brightly lit.

Sephiroth: We're both shirtless.

Cloud: And we're crappily rendered in 3D.

Sephiroth: Let's go.

(both rush into arena)

Mew: Mew.

Scratch: Mrrrow! FFft!

Cloud: (sweatdrops)

Sephiroth: What the hell is THIS shit? Cloud!

Cloud: Yo.

Sephiroth: As your former superior officer, I order you to hack those two into bits with the Buster Sword!

Cloud: (pulls Buster Sword out) Right. One order of General Tso's Chicken, comin' right up. (strides confidently to Scratch)

Scratch: (leaps onto Cloud's neck, and bites)

Cloud: (head goes flying off. Dramatic chord plays)

Sephiroth: JESUS HIRAM CHRIST! [I noticed that I'm doing a lot of decapitations in this... =(.]

(booth)

Matt: Nope. That can't be good.

Rikku: Of course not- he just got his head bitten off!

Snorb: I hope Sephiroth's insured.

Ranma: Why would you say that?

Snorb: Think about it, dummox! Your friend's head just got bitten off by a housecat! And the deceased friend had the

advantage of reach!

Ranma: I fail to see the point in this.

Sun: (thwacks Ranma)

Aeris: WAAAAAH CLOUD DIED WAAAAAAAAAAH (waterfall tears)

Snorb: Then do something about it! (pushes Aeris out the window)

Matt: Don't forget your Guard Staff! (throws Guard Staff after her)

Sun: Well, I think those two are up a creek.

Snorb: Yep.

Rikku: Yep.

Bob Vila: And be SURE to use #8 staples when securing tar paper over the framework of a house! (staple) (staple)

Sun: What is he doing?

Matt: Oh, he's building a sauna add-on.

Aeris: (climbs back into booth) Ooh. Sauna.

(arena)

Sephiroth: You know, I just realized something. If I'm on Cloud's team, and if I were invincible when I was on Cloud's team,

this should NOT be a problem for me! So.... (marches confidently to Mew and Scratch)

Scratch: (leaps onto Sephiroth's neck, and bites)

Sephiroth: (head doesn't fly off. Dramatic chord does not play) Outta my way. (kick)

Scratch: Rrwow! Fft!

Mew: Mew! (charges Aurora Beam)

Sephiroth: (takes out Black Materia) Meteo.

(booth)

Aeris: (pulls White Materia out of hair ribbon) Holy!

White Materia: .....

Aeris: PLEAAAAASE

White Materia: .....

Aeris: Oh, I know the drill. (takes out paper cutter)

Sun: Whoa! She's gonna cut her head off with a paper cutter! Sweet!

Aeris: In order to USE the White Materia, its user must be sacrificed. So... (chops head off with paper cutter)

White Materia: ! (glows green)

(arena)

Sephiroth: See ya... what in tarnation?! [I've always wanted to write that.] (looks up)

Meteo: .....

Holy: ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPP (blows Meteo to bits!)

(booth)

Aeris: (fades out of existance)

Sun: Dammit, now we need a new judge.

Snorb: I've got that covered. Besides, it allows the public an insight as to how we, the creators of the ABR, choose a

suitable judge.

(Tokyo ruins)

Ami: (wearing small bikini) *grunt* Ugh... ("Hurry!" from FFX starts playing) Huh? (runs up to man) Mamoru! What are you

doing here?!

Mamoru: I was waiting for you. (walks onto bridge)

Ami: What are you talking about? (follows him. Time freezes) ??

That @(*)^! Annoying Little Brat From FFX: It begins. Don't cry. (time unfreezes)

(arena)

Sephiroth: Dammit, I have the fucking Masamune! Why don't I just hack them into bits with it?! I mean, only two people

survived it...

Tifa: Yeah, and I *still* have the scar to this day! But, noone's gonna touch my Cloudie now that that bitch Aeris is dead! Yay! (jumps)

Sephiroth: *nosebleed*

Mew: Mew! (fires Aurora Beam) (0 HP)

Sephiroth: Ha, you suck! (slashes at Mew)

Mew: Mew! x_X (faints)

Scratch: RRWWOWR! FFFTT! HISS! ETCETERA!

Sephiroth: Right. Fuck you, too. (poses)

(bridge)

Ami: (kicking and punching at BookeWorms) Unnf! Unnh! Aah! (falls on cutie-pie butt)

Mamoru: (pulls out thiefsword) Take it.

Ami: (takes it) Un! Whoa! (steadies)

Mamoru: (pulls out cane-sword) A gift from Eck.

Ami: My father?! (slashes at BookeWorm)

Mamoru: I hope you know how to use it... (screen blurs)

(arena)

Scratch: FFFFTT! (scratching Sephiroth)

Sephiroth: Ow, dammit. You finally made me bleed.

Tifa: ^_^ Cloud made ME bleed when he s-

Sephiroth: Too much information! (swats at Scratch)

(booth)

Snorb: Dammit, I wanted to hear where Tifa's story was going.

Matt: Me too!

Ranma: ...You're both sick.

Rikku: (takes out Slurpee) Not as sick as I am! (throws Slurpee at Ranma)

Ranma: (turns female) )&$!@!^$!$()!&

Rikku: Yeah?! Well, double @)(^(*%(&$ on you!

(arena)

Sephiroth: (lying on back, groaning) Ow...

Scratch: (sets up ladder) (climbs it) (jumps off)

Sephiroth: Muaaaag! (gets up, picks up ladder)

Scratch: (picks up another ladder)

Sephiroth and Scratch: (smash each other in the head with their ladders)

(bridge)

Mamoru: (looks at thousands upon thousands of BookeWorms) Hmm. This could be bad!.... (points at truck with "WARNING! HIGHLY

UNSTABLE ORDINANCE! DO *NOT* STRIKE FIVE TIMES WITH SHARP OBJECTS! WILL EXPLODE AND KNOCK OUT A BIG BUILDING!" on it) That!

Knock it down!

Ami: WHAT?!

Mamoru: Trust me! You'll see!

Ami: (CTB fills) Hi-ya! (Truck: 200 HP)

Mamoru: (CTB fills) Hmmph! (Truck: 197 HP)

C:BookeWorm: (body begins to pulsate)

Mamoru: (CTB fills) (Truck: 210 HP)

C:BookeWorm: (shoots sticky fluid at Ami)

Ami: Ummph! (CTB fills) (Truck: 110 HP)

Mamoru: (CTB fills) (Truck: 210 HP)

Truck: (falls and explodes)

(arena)

Sephiroth: .....

Scratch: .....

Sephiroth: .....

Scratch: .....

Man with Scar: You know, this is getting boring.

Other Man with Scar: ...Whatever.

Man: Hey, Squall!

Other Man: Yeah, Seifer?

Seifer: You wanna go out there and fight like men?

Squall: I guess.

(both go into arena)

Squall: You know, I must thank the fellows for not cleaning up the arena. The Proto Buster and Mega Buster can still be

useful. (attaches them to gunblade)

Seifer: Hey, I think that's cheating a BIT, Squall.

Squall: (attaches Buster Sword, Vash's gun, and Rika's Saberclaws to the gunblade) That's why you'll never be a SeeD,

Seifer. You're arrogant. You'll never win.

Seifer: I'll PROVE that I'm better than you, Squall! I've got the strength!

Squall: (gunblades Seifer into dog chow) But I've got a bigger gunblade. (kicks Sephiroth) Hey. You.

Sephiroth: Umm... unh?

Squall: You want that cat wiped out?

Sephiroth: Go ahead, Mommy. I love you, too.

Squall: (sweatdrops) ...Whatever.

Scratch: RRWWWOR! FFfT!

Squall: (points gunblade at neck) Any of you make a move, and the SeeD gets it!

Scratch: Reor?! Meow?!

Squall: Now take ten steps back, cat!

Scratch: .......(ten steps later)

Squall: (points gunblade at Scratch) Bang. (pulls trigger)

Scratch: BWARRRGH! (explodes into fresh, meaty bits)

Sephiroth: Hey, you! You're stealing my thunder!

Squall: ...Whatever. My job is dAAAURRGGH!H! (looks at Hyperion sticking out of ass) ...How ironic. Seifer always said his

gunblade would kill me. x_X

Sephiroth: :D [Cheesey Klingon smileys GOOOOOO!]

(booth)

Matt: That was, without a doubt, the worst fight I've ever seen in my life!

Rikku: Ditto.

Matt: ..... "Ditto"?! (thwacks Rikku)

Snorb: You know I would, too!

Bob Vila: (thwacks cabinet) And be sure that your hammer is made out of a sturdy tungsten as you hammer the nails in!

Judges: .......

(bridge)

Ami: (hanging off of bridge piece being sucked into Booke. "This is Your Story" plays.) Mamoru! ...... MAMORU!

Mamoru: (leans off bridge) ...... You are sure?

Ami: Ugghhh!

Mamoru: This is it. (picks Ami up by the collar) This is your story. It all begins here. (gets sucked into Booke)

Ami: Hmm?! ...AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....! (gets sucked into Booke)

(?????)

Eck: Hey! ........ Hey!

Ami: My..... father...? (swims around a bit)

(booth)

Matt: Do you think we should break out the Judge Insurance?

Snorb: Nah, that stuff's like flight insurance, or replacement warranties.

Ranma: (offers Gil) I'll take twenty.

Rikku: Being a thief, I'd know a ripoff or two when I see one!

Mamoru: (pops into existance) My work here is done. (walks out of booth)

Ami: (pops into existance) ...HHHHHHHHHH! (looks around)

Snorb, Matt, Sun, David, and Ranma: *nosebleed*

Ami: What? (looks down) This is why I hate travelling by Booke. I always seem to lose my clothes. Hang on a sec. (walks

behind pillar, comes back a second later in a similar bikini) Better?

Snorb, Matt, Sun, David, and Ranma: Somewhat.

[Halftime!- The Crowd vs. The Vendors- Time to Take a Piss and Buy More Beer]

(Those of you familiar with Space Quest 1 VGA version, insert the Two Guys' Commentary Song here.)

Sun: Okay! It's halftime! Let's see the current standings so far!

THE REAL DEAL

Vash and Legato \

Mega Man and Proto Man / Legato \

Chaz and Rika \ Chaz /

Serge and Lynx / ?????????????????\

Fighter and Black Mage \ ?????????????????/

Mr. Satan and #18 / BM and RM \ 

Mew and Scratch \ Sephiroth /

Cloud and Sephiroth /

THE ANIME BABES

Yuffie, Faye, and Ritsuko \

Beatrix, Quistis, and Airi/

Sun: Let's head to the locker room, with our ace correspondent, Worrel E. Gigg!

(locker room)

Zidane: (wearing obviously fake moustache) That's right, I'm Worrel E. Gigg! The first half of the ABR2 was filled with

some great fighters, but none so good, or good-looking, as these six! (camera pans, showing Yuffie, Quistis, Beatrix,

Ritsuko, Airi, and Faye getting dressed)

Yuffie, Quistis, Beatrix, Ritsuko, Faye, and Airi: (remain oblivious)

Zidane: Let's see if we can get an interview! (walks over) General Beatrix is.... (looks up) aah... *nosebleed*

Sun: Worrel? You all right in there?

Zidane: Umm... *nosebleed worsens* Yeah. Heh. General Beatrix is... aahh... 38-20-34... brunette... lovely legs... soft-

looking breasts... *sigh*

Beatrix: Sir, you're nosebleeding on my sword.

Zidane: Sorry. Heh... (moustache falls off due to onset of blood)

Beatrix: Wait a minute... (squint) You're that pervert-

Yuffie, Quistis, Ritsuko, Airi, and Faye: (all chatting amongst themselves)

Beatrix: ZIDANE TRIBAL!

Yuffie, Quistis, Ritsuko, Airi, and Faye: (chatter stops with a "va-WHIIRRRRP"!)

Yuffie: Never mind THAT shit! Cover yourself up!

Quistis: Zidane's back!

Ristuko: Eeek! It's him again!

Faye: Get outta here!

Airi: What kind of whack-job are you, anyway?!

Zidane: (bigsweat).....I think my cover has been blown. You know what this means?

Beatrix: (grabs Save the Queen, covers self with left arm) It's ass-whooping time! ...And I just noticed that Quisty's whip

is also called "Save the Queen". =(

Quistis: Sorry, Beatrix.

Zidane: (Skill/Flee) We'll be right back! (runs away)

anIme bAtTle roYAle: sEcOnd cOmiNg

tHe seQuEL tHat doESn't sUck

RENeGADe CreDItS

riiting- snorb

plaaht- booke

annie may rrrt- snorb

sawwndz- snorb

mewsick- uematsu, seibert

everyting elze- snorb

spelihng kurrekshun- sun

Faye: (puts on normal clothes) I'm Faye Valentine and I'll kick your ass! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! (chases Zidane, firing at

him as she does so)

Zidane: Aaaaaaaah! (runs like hell!)

(booth)

Sun: Damn, there goes our chance to get some respectable T&A in this thing.

Rikku: :B [:P]

Sun: Don't you Al Bhed-speak ME.

Rikku: =( [=(]

Snorb: Hey, if Zidane failed, do we still have to pay him?

Rikku: (pickpockets herself)

Matt: Not really.

Ranma: But, hey, we saw Beatrix's boobs.

Snorb: Yep.

Sun: Hey, I don't care WHOSE boobs we see, just so long as we don't provoke a visit from FUNimation.

Ranma: (starts to pour soda on himself)

Matt: Oh, go take a shower.

Ranma: Gladly! (leaves)

Ami: This must be some sort of alternate world, or something.

Sun: Now, let's head to our REAL correspondent, Heero.

(arena)

Heero: I still don't mind if I die, just so long as my interviews are... interviewed. Anyway, our first interview is Vash

the Stampede.

Vash: Ow.

Heero: (grabs Vash by the hair) WHAT DO YOU KNOW OF THE OZ CORPS MORTAL

Vash: Umm... Heero? Save it for Toonami.

Heero: Sorry. How did it feel to have your head hand-phasered off?

Vash: It was a blatant violation of the Love and Peace rules! I want a rematch!

Heero: *sigh* You know what? To hell with this. I'm outta here. (leaves)

Tifa: And once again, I'm doing the interviews! Here's my personal favorite, Cloud, who's getting his head rerendered onto

his body!

Cloud: .....

Tifa: You know, Cloud, you stood up to Scratch real well in battle today!

Cloud: Oh, we all know what you're gonna do, Tifa, so just DO IT ALREADY.

Tifa: You're right! Cloud, I fucking adore you! Sleep with me!

Cloud: With ALACRITY! (grabs Tifa by the arm, and heads off to the bathroom)

(booth)

Sun: How'd I know this was gonna happen again?

David: Because it's Cloud. And Tifa. And public sex.

Sun: Oh.

David: And the fact that neither of us are getting any good lines so far.

(arena)

Chaz: Great. While Rika's being extracted from the PS4 rom, nobody's willing to interview me. *sigh*

Heero: (kicks door down)

Chaz: Hmm. Finally, things are looking up! ....Um, who're you?

Heero: (points to bandana) Can't you read?! I'm HOLLYWOOD Heero Yui!

Chaz: Oh. Okay!

Heero: (turns towards camera) And I will MAKE the Oz Corps sorry! I will break backs! I will make livers quiver! I will make

peni-

Chaz: Um... Heero?

Heero: (sweatdrops) Sorry. So, how did you feel when Serge and Lynx sliced Rika in half?

Chaz: I was pissed as usual. But then I realized, "Hey, she's just data on a PS4 cart. She'll be back."

Rika: (materializes) Okay, I'm back, Chazzie!

Chaz: (goes into SD-mode) Yay! (goes into normal anime mode)

Heero: So, Rika, why in God's name do you have pink hair?

Rika: It's the way I was drawn, I guess.

Heero: Right. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a little score to settle with some friends. Bye. (leaves)

Chaz: Well, THAT was unexpected.

(booth)

Sun: Hmm. What was Heero talking about?

Snorb: Probably worried about Prettiest Girl In School- wait, I know her name now. (changes every occurance of "PGIS" to

"Relena")

Matt: Maybe.

Ranma: Then again, Heero's a bit lacking in the imagination department, so...

(somewhere)

Duo: NOooooooooo!

Trowa: Heero, how could you do this to us?!

Wufei: I thought we were friends!

Quatre: You really suck, Hollywood! You're gonna beat Duo up for trying to score with Relena?

Trowa: And ME for associating with Duo?

Wufei: And me for associating with Trowa?!

Quatre: And ME for associating with Chang?!

Wufei: Family name first, Winner.

Quatre: Right. Sorry.

Trowa: I'm Trowa Barton! I am the most normal man on Gundam Wing!

Wufei: Dude, that's Hollywood Heero Yui. He doesn't care.

Duo: And he's still gonna beat the living crap out of the four of us!

Heero: Well, I'm a bad guy now. What're you gonna do? (drags the four of them off)

(booth)

Sun: So, what do we do if Aeris comes back, folks?

Snorb: Play "Battle With Gilgamesh," the third best battle song in Final Fantasy history, and see if she runs away?

Matt: Have Booke turn her into a BookeWorm?

Ranma: Two words: Akane's. Cooking.

Matt: That COULD kill a person, Ranma.

Ranma: Matt, ANYBODY's cooking in this series is lethal. Remember the Chicken Fried Steak Incident?

Ami: Yes.

Snorb: Oh, you make it sound like it was laced with poison.

Ami: Fat, poison, they're pretty much one and the same.

Snorb: Dammit, Sun, hurry up and install the Otaku Loveslave Programming (tm)!

Sun: Okay! (flips switch)

Aeris: (opens door) Hey, guys, I'm beginning to get the feeling that you don't appreciate me. I'm going home.

(Aeris's house)

Aeris: Mom, I'm home!

Elmyra Gainsborough: Good! Now, you think of a plan to kill Tifa, and I'll make a candlelit dinner for you and Cloud!

Aeris: (phone rings) Hello?

Matt: Hello, Aeris. My friends and I were wondering something.

Aeris: Fire away. What do you want to know?

Matt: Well, we were wondering if you'd have any objections to our blowing your house to hell.

Aeris: What the?! I'll see what Shinra has to say about this! (hangs up, dials Shinra office) Hi, President Rufus? I just

got the worst phone call!

Rufus: Tell me about it, my dear Aeris.

Aeris: The guy said he was gonna blow my house to hell! Isn't that HORRIBLE?!

(the Mako Cannon/Sister Ray)

Rufus: No, not at all! (points Sister Ray at Midgar Sector 6) TIMBEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR~! (drops PHS, fires Sister

Ray/blacks out Midgar) I love being an evil genius.

[Fight Five- Yuffie, Faye, and Ritsuko vs. Beatrix, Quistis, and Airi: Bouncy Breasty Tit-Hooter]

Matt: Well, as fun as it was to watch Aeris get blasted by that bigassed cannon, we've got more important matters to

discuss.

Sun: Like which three babes will win the upcoming fight!

Snorb: I agree.

Matt: And who wouldn't?!

Bob Vila: You know, the role of the female in construction has been improved lately since caveman days.

Rikku: (sweatdrops) Does anybody ELSE want to trade seats?

(arena)

Beatrix: Okay, let's review what we're up against. We're up against a ninja who wouldn't hurt us if we had Materia...

Airi: A woman less-dressed than Quisty is, armed with a big gun...

Quistis: And a 16-year old schoolgirl with a possessed tank and more firepower than the JSDF.

Beatrix: On OUR side..... crap. A floozy of a general who is only useful for ClimHazard and Curaga...

Quistis: A schoolteacher who has a whip that shares the name of a certain general's sword...

Airi: And a self-absorbed actress with a big sword. Where's Celcia when we need her?!

(Elf-world.)

Jinpei: Look. (points at giant blob in sky)

Celcia: ?! Wh....?!

Giant Blob in Sky: =)

Jinpei: We called it "Booke".

Celcia: "Booke"?

Booke: (smashes through building, fires BookeWorms at bridge)

Celcia: (charges massive fireball spell, fires at BookeWorms)

(booth)

Matt: Okay, enough with the FF10 references, Snorb.

Snorb: Sorry.

(knock knock)

Matt: Who's there?!

(name entry screen appears)

Aeris: It's me! Aeris! (enters)

Matt: (flips switch)

Aeris: AAAAHHH! (falls into trapdoor)

David: Hey, where does that thing go, anyway?

Sun: Who knows? It was here when we moved in.

(Persia, 12th century)

Arabs: (sitting around table)

Aeris: (lands on table)

Arabs: (draw scimitars) Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!

Aeris: (starts dancing)

(arena)

Ritsuko: (firing assault rifles at Beatrix)

Beatrix: You think you're so good? Look what Ninja taught me! (twirls Save the Queen, deflects bullets)

Yuffie: But you can't beat THIS! (swish!)

(booth)

Yuffie: (swish!) Hiya! Gimme all your valuables, please!

Matt: You're disqualified.

Yuffie: Oh, poo.

Ami: You look a lot like me.

Yuffie: Oh, gimme that sword-thing.

Sun: It's called a-

Yuffie: I DONT CARE (steals Ami's thiefsword) (swish!)

Bob Vila: And to prevent theft and burglary, always install chickenwire and plate glass doors!

Matt: NOW he tells us...

Bob Vila: Well, you can always order the project I've just shown you...

Rikku: (pickpockets Bob Vila) How much?

Bob Vila: $49.95 for a video and measured blueprints. Just ask for episode #78951.

Rikku: Damn, I don't have enough. (pickpockets Ami)

Ami: !! My wallet's gone!

Rikku: No, it isn't. Booke... um.... destroyed your clothes and everything in them, remember?

Ami: .....Oh... Then why am I here?

Snorb: Sun! OLSP! Now, please!

Sun: It's in progress.

Matt: Like your website?

Sun: (throws Matt in arena)

(speaking of which...)

Quistis: Eat whip, bitch! (swings Save the Queen repeatedly)

Beatrix: Dammit, Quistis! Can't you remodel that damn thing?!

Quistis: Why would I want to?

Beatrix: (holds up Save the Queen) Duh?

Ritsuko: (fires sniper rifle at Beatrix's head)

Beatrix: (gets shot in faceplate) ? ...Aaaah! Don't look at my right eye! (covers eye)

Airi: Now why wouldn't you want us to see your eye?

Beatrix: Just get me my helmet, dammit!

Ritsuko: Okay, the big-breasted one is incapacitated!

Faye: ...We ALL have big breasts!

Ritsuko: (sweatdrops)

Yuffie: (holding shuriken and thiefsword) Hmm... what to use...?

Faye: The long range one, Yuffie. This way we all have long-range weapons.

Yuffie: Okay. ^_^ Besides, shurikens make a better "crunch" when they kill someone, anyways!

Faye: (holds head) Show of hands: Does anyone else think that Snorb should have caught that when he randomized the six of

us?

Audience: (everyone raises hands)

Faye: That's what I thought. (fires at Beatrix's helmet)

Beatrix: !! Stop shooting it! It keeps my eye from- ....(evil grin) You know what, you guys want to see my right eye?

Airi: Not particularly. After all, it IS your private thing...

Quistis: Why do I think I know where this is going?

Yuffie: Sure, why not? Let's see it, General!

Beatrix: (uncovers eye, and a green laser is fired from it)

Yuffie: Waaaaah! (dives out of the way of the beam)

Beatrix: (looks around rapidly, vaporizing portions of the audience)

(booth)

Bob Vila: Accidents happen every day in construction. Therefore (tool belt is vaporized by Beatrix's eye laser) I'm getting

the fuck out of here!

Sun: Sit DOWN, and enjoy the show. (hides under table)

Matt: Did you know this was gonna happen?!

Judges: Nope.

Rikku: Does anyone have anything I can steal?

Judges: Yep.

Rikku: Oh, =(.

Ranma: Does anyone want to try some of Akane's cooking?

Judges: JESUS NO

Ranma: (takes out fruit juice) Well, I don't see what's wrong with THIS. (sips juice, turns female) Oh.

Rikku: (holds up tea kettle, which difracts the eye laser) Oops! ^_^ Cunno! [Sorry!]

Sun: Okay, how much more of our paying audience is she killing?!

Rikku: (looks into teakettle) I'd say about 85%.

Sun: Dammit!

Rikku: Luckily, I stole all of their money during my stealing contest. (steals Snorb's socks)

(arena)

Quistis: Here's your helmet, Beaty! Catch! (throws helmet)

Beatrix: (catches helmet, puts it back on) Thanks! (looks at devastation) Whoopsie. (sweatdrops)

Airi: Way to go, Biclops.

Beatrix: Fuck you.

Yuffie: Hey, who's willing to help me take out Beatrix, eh?

Faye: (rushes towards Airi, firing madly)

Ritsuko: (fires grenade launcher at Quistis)

Beatrix: (grabs whip) Here, Quisty! It's a Red Scorpion. Just take it so we don't confuse each other with the Save the Queen

thing anymore.

Quistis: Okay. (equips Red Scorpion)

Yuffie: (throws shuriken at Beatrix)

Quistis: (whips shuriken, tangles it in whip) Is THIS what you wanted to do with it, Yuffie? (starts spinning in place)

Yuffie: Hey, can I have that back?

(booth)

Matt: Rule #85- vaporized- states that, "Any comb-" vaporized, too- "use any w-" Ah, hell- if she takes it from you, she

can use it however she wants.

(arena)

Quistis: (still spinning in place, shuriken STILL tangled in Red Scorpion)

Beatrix: ^_^ Excellent tactical maneuver, Instructor Trepe! They'll never see it coming!

Airi: However, Faye and Rit-chan can still pick her off.

Quistis: (spinning) Oh, heLL. I Have tHE Hp to dEAL With tHE GUnshotS!

Beatrix: Okay, and I'll cover you anyway! (starts twirling Save the Queen)

Faye: Wow. No wonder Quisty lost her job. She really IS a moron.

Yuffie: And I can't steal my shuriken back! That sucks!

Ritsuko: Well, you COULD, Yuffie, but it'd take expert timing to avoid the whip.

Faye: .....Why don't I just shoot her through the head?

Ritsuko: Good idea! (leaves)

Yuffie: Never mind THAT shit! DUCK! (jumps on ground)

Quistis: (finally lashes the Red Scorpion, sending the shuriken flying!)

Faye: !! (throws self on ground)

Ritsuko: (singing) La-la-laaa, I am the sniper, I will blast your head into red gobbets, anDAAAAAAAAH! (head is impaled on

shuriken, as her entire body is dragged along. The shuriken finally imbeds itself into a wall.)

Ritsuko's body: *twitch* *twitch* *arms fall*

(booth)

Matt: Wow. And it went from Quistis to Ritsuko's head to wall all in half a second.

Snorb: Who's the better sniper now?

(arena)

Yuffie: *I'M* not going anywhere near it! You want it, YOU get it, Faye!

Faye: What?! Me?! Touch THAT?! And get blood all over me?! No way!

Ritsuko: .......

Quistis: Okay, that's ONE down! Who wants to kick Kisaragi's ass?!

Beatrix: I do!

Airi: Then I suggest we go for it!

Yuffie: Um... oh, crap. Defenseless...!

Beatrix: Tough! (hoists Save the Queen)

Airi: (hoists sword) Eat steel, bimbo! (both charge Yuffie)

Yuffie: Wait a minute, I'm a ninja! That means that I don't NEED the shuriken! (poses) Get some~!

(stands)

Baku: Hey, that's my line.

(arena)

Beatrix: (swings)

Yuffie: (catches Beatrix's sword, punches Beatrix)

Airi: (swipes at Yuffie)

Yuffie: (rolls and kicks Airi in the knee)

Faye: .....okay, this may be a bit hard to follow up... (aims gun)

Airi: Now, I think we should attack Faye.

Beatrix: (rubs bruise) You know what *I* think?! I think you should take that sword and blow it out your ass!

Quistis: Every time YOU come up with a plan, WE get hurt! (grabs Airi)

Airi: Hey, what are you doing?! I'm Airi Fucking Mirasawa!

Beatrix: (grabs Airi) And I'm General Beatrix!

Faye, Beatrix, and Quistis: NOBODY upstages me! (Faye shoots at Yuffie, just as Airi is thrown at Ritsuko's body)

Yuffie: HunH!! (gets nailed in the throat by Faye's bullet)

Airi: AAAaaH! (gets impaled on the shuriken at the same time)

Quistis: This is why I wanted to be partners with Faye in the first place!

Beatrix: You too? Good.

Faye: ...Oh, what the hell. Why not?

(booth)

Matt: I'll allow it!

(arena)

Faye, Quistis, and Beatrix: (go SD-style) Yay! (bounce, bounce) (normal anime style)

(booth)

Snorb: Crap. I was NOT expecting that to happen at all.

Sun: Too bad about Airi. Cake?

Judges: (all taking cake, eating it)

Sun: Oh, and the loveslave programming finally kicked in, Snorb.

Ami: I don't see any dif- Chris. Take me now, you animal! (drags Snorb off)

Snorb: Whoa!

Matt: .....

Rikku: (pickpockets Faye) So, what now?

Matt: Well, it's getting up to Legato's match, so I guess this means we gotta ask him if he needs a partner.

Legato: Well, no, not really, seeing as I've liberated Vash's gunarm during our previous bout.

Matt: Well, okay. But just remember- at worst, it's gonna be one-on-three at the end. IF you make it that far.

Sun: So, look who we hired.

.......

Legato: You hired a Lego man. That's it. I'm sunk.

Sun: The man NEXT to him.

Legato: .....Oh, my holy God.

Snorb: Yes, that's right. Just open the door.

(on the other side of the door!)

Duo: ...I think my ribs are broken...

Wufei: Heero smashed my nose clean to the back of my head. I hurt.

Trowa: He tied my balls in a KNOT...

Quatre: I can't feel anything below my forehead...

Heero: Like the guys said, I need to make sure ONE of you is able to assist Legato in combat. So... (jumps on top of

Quatre)

Quatre: (gets punched) Ow, my head! (punched) Aaagh, my piano lessons! (punched) Bah, I don't remember my dad!

Heero: (cracks knuckles)

Duo: ..... I think I'm gonna go crawl somewhere and hope a Gundam steps on me. That fine with you all?

Rest of Wing Gundam: Sure, fine, whatever, I'm gonna kill you.

Sun: (opens door) So, how are you faring against our secret weapon?

Duo: ......I think I'm gonna die. UAHAAAAGHAGHHH (coughs up innards and blood and dies)

Trowa: Now I'm not gonna get any... and I can't untie it, either... =(

Wufei: T_T He kept calling me "Chang", and quite literally beat my face in.

Quatre: ....... (drools uselessly)

Trowa: And I think Quatre needs a wheelchair and a respirator, or something.

Sun: (bigsweat) Riiiight. How are YOU, Heero?

Heero: That's "Hollywood." Can't you read the bandanna?!

Sun: Yes.

Heero, er, I mean, Hollywood: Good. So, who's the lucky SOB who's gonna help out Legato?

Sun: Let's see... Mr. Maxwell is lying dead in a puddle of blood/vomit, Trowa's TRYING to undo the most painful knot on

Earth, you caved Wufei's head in, possibly on purpose, and you have beaten Quatre into mental retardation. Not that it took

all that much effort.

Heero: ......Aw, son of a bitch.

Sun: But if you put that much effort into fighting your opponents as you did killing one friend and maiming three others,

just THINK what you can do to a guy and a girl!

Heero: Girl?! LEMMEE AT HER! I'LL RIP HER FACE OFF!

Sun: Hollywood? Save it for the next fight.

[Fight Six- Legato and Hollywood Heero Yui vs. Chaz and Rika: Who's Got Short Short Tempers?]

Legato: (looks at Heero) YOU'RE my partner? What happened to the others?!

Heero: Can't you read? Killed one, turned another one into a retard, and maimed the other two. So, I'm your buddy.

Legato: I'm starting to wish I was the lucky one who got killed so long ago.

(sepia-toned flashback)

Legato: Vash! Turn around!

Vash: Huh- (Mega Man fires in slow motion. The blast hits Vash's neck and detaches his head in slow motion)

Vash's Body: *THUD*

Vash's Head: (flies through the air in slow motion) Loooooovveee aaaaannnnndddd peeeeeaaaaaaaccccceeeeeE!

........x_X (lands in Aeris's lap... in slow motion!)

Aeris: Wh...wh...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK! (has a heart attack and drops dead on the spot)

(end flashback)

Legato: Too bad. I rather liked that last part. Can I go back and see it again?

(flashback)

Aeris: Wh...wh...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK! (has a heart attack and drops dead on the spot)

Legato: Again!

Aeris: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK! (has a heart attack and drops dead on the spot)

Legato: AGAIN!

Aeris: (has a heart attack and drops dead on the spot)

Legato: *AGAIN*!

(end flashback)

Heero: Hey, stop living in the past.

Legato: Right. Sorry. So, shall we go and fight the Phantasy Star guys?

Heero: If you want.

Legato: And sooo we shall!

(arena)

Chaz: Okay, now, what was the rule, again, Rika?

Rika: (polishes Saberclaws) "If they beat the shit out of each other, do NOTHING." Got it!

Chaz: And if I get attacked?

Rika: "Hack them to bits." Got it.

Chaz: And if YOU get attacked?

Rika: (sweatdrops) Umm.... pray to God that I know how to cast NaZan, Megid, and the Negatis skill?

Chaz: ^_^ That's RIGHT!

Rika: That doesn't sound reassuring...

Legato: Hey! 16-bits! Eat lead! (fires Vash's gunarm)

Chaz: Whoa! Crap! I thought he got rid of that thing!

Rika: So did I!

Chaz: ...Wait. Machine gun bullets only do about 8 HP damage to us total. We can take it!

Legato: ...Crap! He's right! Hollywood!

Heero: Hmm?

Legato: Go kick the crap out of the pink-haired girl.

Heero: Got it! (runs towards Chaz and Rika)

Rika: Chaz?

Chaz: (draws Elysdeon) Yeah?

Rika: Would now be a good time to show what I can do?

Chaz: Not yet..... not yet..... okay. Now.

Rika: K. Thanks! (rushes Heero)

Heero: This should be easy. (raises arm to punch Rika)

Rika: (just a black and pink blur circling around Heero repeatedly)

Heero: Dammit! Crap! Where IS SHE!??!

Rika: (between Heero and Legato) Right here, silly! (giggle, peace sign)

Heero: YOU'RE *DEAD*! (points at Rika) ....Why do I hurt so much?

Rika: :D

Heero: (arm comes apart wafer-style) !!! Aw, daughter of a computaAAArrghagharKAg (rest of him follows)

(booth)

Matt: Let's see that again!

Sun: INSTANT REPLAY!!!11!!!

Heero: (high-pitched rewind sound as he comes together wafer style) daughter of a computaAAArrghagharKAg (falls apart wafer

style)

(arena)

Rika: Ick, what a mess. I've got flesh all over my Saberclaws. =(

Chaz: You never complained before.

Rika: Yeah, but I just spent six hours polishing them...

Legato: Is that all you two are gonna do?! Just sit there and bitch?

Rika: Pretty much.

Chaz: Got a problem with that, pal?!

Legato: Yep. (raises gunarm)

Chaz: You know, I think now would be a GREAT time to use the Relief Charm.

Rika: I agree! (taps L1)

Legato: (freezes in place)

Rika: (runs out of arena)

Raja: (rushes into arena, draws Titn-Staf) HahahahaaaaaaA~! (pushes Triangle)

Chaz: (runs out of arena)

Rune: (runs into arena, draws Lutz Staff) (pushes Triangle)

Raja: Now that I think about it... (taps L1) (runs out of arena)

Chaz: (rushes into arena, draws Elsydeon) (aggrivated sounding) "Shorty" here!

Rune: Sorry!

Legato: (unfreezes)

Chaz: Okay... you up for a Grand Cross attack?

Rune: Am I ever. (poses) Volt!

Chaz: (rushes Legato) Doubleslash!

Legato: (snatches something from Chaz)

Chaz and Rune: (use Grand Cross tech)

Legato: You missed. Oh, and looking for something, Chaz?

Chaz: !!!

Rune: Well, now that he's stolen it... (runs out of arena)

Rika: (rushes into arena, opens Saberclaws) I'm here!

Legato: (taps L1)

Chaz and Rika: (freeze in place)

Legato: So long, suckers! (rushes out of arena) The British asshole lives another day!

Millie: (rushes into arena, draws Stun Gun) Hi! 3

(booth)

Sun: Ack! IRC hearts awaaay!

Aeris: What's wrong with a little love? And why do I look more burned than Eduard Delacroix after that scene...?

Matt: .....Is she part Weapon or something?

Snorb: Nah. Weapon sirvived having his head blown clean off with the Mako Cannon. Aeris got enveloped by the beam.

Ranma: Whatever! I just want her dead.

Rikku: ?! Why didn't you say so before?! Not only am I a skilled thief, (steals Aeris's hair ribbon) I'm also a master

assassin! ^_^

Ranma: Oh. Can you put something in her soda?

Rikku: No problem! ....(searches for something) Ah. "Ephemeral Fantasia Special #8: Rummy's Tea Bomb"! This'll do.

Aeris: What's Weapon? I got killed on disc one, remember?

Rikku: (swish!) (swish!) Okay, I've spiked her drink!

Sun: Hey, what DOES that potion do?

Snorb: You ever see that part of Ephemeral Fantasia, where Rummy spiked the guy's drink? Basically, it's supposed to make

the drinker-

Aeris: (stomach overinflates and explodes) x_X

David: -explode, right? (scrapes Bits 'o Aeris off)

Snorb: ...Pretty much...

(arena)

Millie: (fires Stun Gun at Chaz)

Chaz: !!! Urracht! (gets caught in that stun... thing.)

Rika: Eek! Chaz! (punches Millie repeatedly)

Millie: Ow, that's not being very nice! (taps L1, rushes out of arena)

Meryl: (rushes into arena, draws derringers) I'll kick your ass! (starts firing derringers at Chaz and Rika)

Chaz: Cripes, those things must be expensive.

Rika: Good thing she's not much of a shot.

Chaz: .....

Rika: .....

Meryl: *($^)!@$^ (firing derringers repeatedly)

Rika: You want this one?

Chaz: Sure. (hoists Elsydeon)

Meryl: ...Oh, damn! Out of ammo!

Chaz: (slashes at Meryl)

Meryl: T&O%)(H^ .....(looks at giant slash running down her whole body) ...Ow...

Chaz: Of course, now we have to deal with Legato, still...

(booth)

Ami: (closes rule book) Actually, since Meryl was fighting in Legato's place, she would have gotten the XP if she actually

killed Chaz and Rika.

Matt: However, Meryl is dead. And since SHE was Legato's Relief Charm replacement...

(arena)

Meryl: (rushes out of arena)

Legato: (rushes into arena, immediately begins bleeding heavily) Rrragghhhh..... dammit, that hurt...

Rika: Allow me to finish. (walks over to Legato) (starts stomping on his head) YOU STUPID (&@%)%) CUM-&(%$@% GUZZLING

MOTHER %_(*^H()GD&G^ *CUNT*! (spits on the body)

Chaz: ......(sweatdrop) Rika?

Rika: (sweetly, covered in blood) Yes, Chaz, my love?

Chaz: Considering how you flattened his head with those heels of yours, I'd seriously guess that he's dead.

Rika: ...Oh. Then we win!

(booth)

Matt: That you do!

THE REAL DEAL

Vash and Legato \

Mega Man and Proto Man / Legato and Heero \

Chaz and Rika \ Chaz and Rika /

Serge and Lynx / Chaz and Rika \

Fighter and Black Mage \ ?????????????????/

Mr. Satan and #18 / Black Mage and Red Mage\ 

Mew and Scratch \ Sephiroth and Cloud /

Cloud and Sephiroth /

THE ANIME BABES

Yuffie, Faye, and Ritsuko \ Faye, Beatrix, and Quistis

Beatrix, Quistis, and Airi/

[Fight Seven- Black Mage and Red Mage vs. Sephiroth: No, *I* Am God]

Matt: And now we've got just a couple more fights, then we can all get the hell out of here.

Snorb: You know, we never DID tell them what they were fighting for...

Matt: Oh, crap! You're right! Sun, show them the fabulous prizes!

Sun: Well, Matt, the winners of the Anime Battle Royale will get everything on this table!

Rikku: (steals gold and silver bars from table) The winners shall get an 8-track tape of Final Fantasy IV midis...

Bob Vila: ...a Weisse Cruse movie poster...

Rikku: (steals precious jewelry off table) ...the precious jewelry that I'm currently tucking into my bag...

Judges: (stare at Rikku)

David: Where'd you get all that jewelry?

Rikku: I... um... was wearing it when I came in! (sweatdrops)

David: Oh. Carry on, then. They will get a T-shirt from Wrestlemania X8...

Ami: Half a bologna sandwich Rikku found under the table...

Snorb: The "Mr. Dope America '78" banner...

Sun: (holds up chainsaw and pizza wheel) And a piece of Ami's former boyfriend of the winners' choosing!

Matt: However! We cannot give you the eyes, ears, arms, legs, thalamus, cerebral cortex, medulla oblongata, cerebrum,

cerebellum, or testicles of the former Urawa Ryo. So, all you're left with is the stomach, blood, and various body fluids.

.......

David: Hey, where's Aeris?

Matt: Who knows/cares?

(the mens' room.)

Aeris: Ohh...! Oh, Sephiroth! WHOA! OH, THAT'S *GOOD*!

Sephiroth: .....Aeris?

Aeris: Yes, Sephie, dearest?

Sephiroth: Are you done with the Masamune in there? Because I really need it.

Aeris: Oh. (offensive moist sounds) Here you are.

Sephiroth: .....Do I WANT to know why the handle's wet...?

Aeris: I... GOTTA GO! (woosH!)

Sephiroth: .......

(the ladies' room.)

Tifa: Ohh! Oh, Cloud! ..!!! WHOA! OH, GOD, *YEAH!* WOOOOOOOO~! .... (heavy breathing)

Sephiroth: (knock knock)

Cloud: If that's who I THINK it is, he'd better screw off for several more hours or there's gonna be an explosion waiting

for him!

Sephiroth: It's time.

Cloud: Wh..? Aw, shit... Tifa, cover your breasts and stay in that position. I'll be right back. (sound of pants being

pulled up) Okay, let's go!

Sephiroth: ........

Cloud: What?

Sephiroth: .....Nothing. Let's hit the arena.

Cloud: Okay, but why were you looking at me like that?

Sephiroth: It's nothing. Oh, Cloud, I was just wondering.

Cloud: What?

Sephiroth: Were you fooling around with Tifa again, or did you just start wearing lipstick today?

Cloud: What's it to you?

Sephiroth: *groan* Never mind. We've got some 8-bits to kill.

(arena)

Sephiroth: ...I think you're seeing entirely too much of that girl, Cloud.

Cloud: You're not my father. Piss off.

Sephiroth: You're my clone, so, I AM YOUR FATHER.

Cloud: I played FF7. I'm not a clone.

Sephiroth: Okay, fine.

Black Mage: Hmm. They have two swords. We have one.

Red Mage: Should I take care of it?

Black Mage: Feel free. I don't care.

Red Mage: Okay... let's see if I succeed... (rolls 2d10) ...crap. (takes out sword) Okay, here I go...

Sephiroth: What gives? He knows he's gonna fail to hurt us. Why's he doing it?

Red Mage: 3rd Edition rules. Go figure. (swings sword)

Sephiroth: Hah! (swings Masamune)

Red Mage: !!! (7801 HP) x_X

Black Mage: (sweatdrop)

Sephiroth: Okay, the Red Mage is done for. Cloud! Deal with Vivi's eviler twin!

Cloud: Consider it done! ....in a few minutes.

(booth)

Aeris: See, Cloudie's gonna win! And then I'm gonna marry him! ^_^ (giggle)

Snorb: .....

Matt: (spins in swivel chair)

Sun: Somebody shut her up. For the LOVE OF GOD, shut her up.

Rikku: (steals swivel chair)

Matt: (falls down) Ow!

Aeris: Hey, I can cure you, if I had a Limit Break charged.

Bob Vila: After all, it IS important that you replace power tools in their chargers when not in use.

Snorb: WHAT the hell is he talking about?! And where the fuck is our sauna?!

Bob Vila: Tune in tomorrow, when I put in the copper pipes for the sauna! It's good to have you Home Again!

Matt: Ranma!

Ranma: Yo.

Matt: Pound Lady Drunk of Slums here (points to Aeris) until she can fire Healing Winds.

Ranma: You've got it! (starts to swing a fist at Aeris)

(arena)

Cloud: !!! My SOLDIER-sense is tingling! But.... I see a flower.... (leaps into the air)

Sephiroth: ....Tifa's right. Cloud really IS a moron.

Black Mage: Have at you! (fires Lit-3 bolts at Cloud)

Cloud: (twirls Buster Sword, deflects Lit-3)

Black Mage: Damn, he really is good. (looks at crowd) And the Lit-3 is killing the crowd! (dances)

(booth)

Cloud: (points Buster Sword at Ranma) Hey, you! Get your damn hands AWAY from her!

Ranma: Whoa, Cloud! Sweet! (holds up pad) Can I have your autograph?!

Cloud: Sure. (signs autographs) Now, I'll be on my way! (leaps out window)

Aeris: What about me, Cloud?! What about me?!

Ranma: It's ass-whoopin' time! (beats the crap out of Aeris!)

Aeris: (charges Limit Break) Healing Wind! (fires Healing Wind at everybody)

Matt: Okay, it's time we get rid of her now. (shoves Aeris out the window)

Ami: Matt, that was uncalled for.

Matt: But it's Aeris!

Ami: Oh. Gee, I've got a lot to learn about in this world Booke took me to...

Ranma: Wait a minute! What did you just say?!

Ami: That Booke took me here.

Ranma: What did this "Booke" look like?!

Ami: A giant blob with a smiling face.

Ranma: Dammit! He took ME here, too!

Rikku: And me!

Bob Vila: While I was on This Old House, I was abducted by a large white blob with a smiley face. I was replaced by a

doppelganger, and then that bastard Steve Thomas took over.

David: Booke took me here, too.

Snorb: Me too.

Sun: Same here.

Matt: Hmm... Booke didn't take me anywhere.

Ami: So, this means that Booke can travel freely between dimensions. Matt, you know more about Booke than we do. Does he

CLOSE the warpgates after he's through with them?

Matt: Umm....

(Dragon Ball Z world)

Trunks: Hahaaa! *I* will kick Cell's ass! And I'll be stronger than Goku!

Large Blue Block: Vwhooooop. (rises out of ground)

Akane: (steps out of block)

Large Blue Block: Vwhooooop. (sinks into ground)

Akane: Hi there! I'm Akane! ^_^ Have you seen my fiance?!

Trunks: Nope.

Akane: You look hungry. Want some food?

Trunks: Sure!

Akane: Here you are! (hands food to Trunks) I made it myself!

Trunks: (takes one bite) GagaaaaCAGCHAGHGLBBHB!!! *spit* CHRIST, this is truly god-awful! I wouldn't wish this shit on my

worst enemy!

Goku: Hey, Trunks! (looks at food) Ooh, looks good! Can I have some?!

Trunks: Help yourself.

Akane: (bigsweat)

(Rayearth world)

Hikaru: You're SURE you know where we are?!

Umi: Positive. We'll save Emeraude soon.

Large Blue Block: Vswhoooooop. (rises out of ground)

Kid With Funky-Ass Haircut: (steps out)

Fuu: Hmm! That looks exactly like a Moongate from Ultima IV! And that kid looks like Yugi from Yu-Gi-Oh!.

Yugi: How did you know my name?!

Moongate: !!! Vswhoooooooop! (sinks very quickly into ground)

Hikaru: Something not-right is going on...!

(Trigun world.)

Wolfwood: You know, (lights twentieth cigarette of the day) I haven't seen Vash or Legato for a while now.

Millie: It's only BEEN an hour.

Moongate: Vshwooooooop. (rises out of sand)

Yugi: Waaaaagh! (gets thrown through Moongate)

Fuu: (leans out of Moongate) And don't EVER ask to play a game of cards again! (throws deck of cards at Yugi) Not even Go

Fish! (pulls head back in)

Umi: (leans out) Yeah! (leans in)

Hikaru: (leans out) YEAH! (leans in)

Brown-haired Woman In Sailor Suit: (steps out of Moongate) Hmm! This isn't my apartment building...

Large Pitcher: (bursts through Moongate) Ooh, YEAH!

Brown Hair: Wow! It's the Kool-Aid Man! Bitchen'!

Moongate: (sweatdrop) Vashwooooooop. (sinks into... um... the bottom is now the north side, so... it sinks into its own

north side. I guess. I dunno, I didn't invent the damn thing.)

(Metal Gear Solid world)

Snake: (slowly inching on that narrow beam in the Blast Furnace)

Moongate: Vawhoooooop. (opens above the rail)

Bartz: (falls out of Moongate, lands on Snake)

Moongate: Vawhooooop. (closes above Bartz)

Snake: AAAARGGH! AAArrgh! Aaarrrgghh! aaaargghh...! (falls in molten metal) *SIZZLE* (sound of Snake burning to death)

Bartz: ...Um, sorry!

(just for the living hell of it, Live A Live world.)

Sunset: .....

Akira: (reads mind) You are... Sunset?

Sunset: (nods)

Lei: Dammit, you talked in your chapter, you nutcase! Say SOMETHING!

Sunset: (indistinct mumbling)

Masaru: What'd he say?

Akira: I heard something about "Bite me" and "sleaze".

Cube: Ba-DWOoOoOOoOOp. (spins in place)

Oboro: (pulls katana) Up yours, robot.

Pogo: (bops Akira on head with club) RAAAAAHAAHAHAHAA~!

Akira: (poses) MotherImage! (fires pallete-cycling bursts at Pogo)

Moongate: Vawhoooooop. (rises)

Byuu: (steps out)

Moongate: Vawhooooop. (sinks)

Sunset: .....

Byuu: .....

Sunset: .....

Masaru, Oboro, Pogo, Lei, Cube, and Akira: (sweatdrop)

Akira: If I ever become friends with those two, I think I'd give them both a thesaurus.

(real world)

Matt: And when Booke finally brought Ami here, it crashlanded in the field.

Sun: (holds up cork) If not for this little cork, it convinced us that it was real.

Snorb: So, it was just a mini-blimp, or something?

Matt: Probably! But, piloted by who?

Ami: Hey, that seat right there (points) is empty.

David: So?

Matt: Most of them are either empty or vaporized thanks to Beatrix.

Sun: Yeah, well, we had a rather special guest in that seat last year...

(another sepia flashback!)

Rei: But he's cute.

Serge: Heh... (blushes)

Ami: And muscular. He has a nice body.

Serge: ^_^ (blushes)

Ryo: GReeeaaat! First, she sleeps with that dumbass judge! Now, she's swooning over some mute!

Serge: Huh?! (sees Ryo) I'll show YOU mute! (throws the Spectra Swallow and the Mastermune at Ryo)

Ryo: GAYIGLFUAIUETY(Q#H)(* (collapses in his seat and dies)

Rei and Ami: (stare weirdly at Serge)

Serge: Some psychic. (adjusts bandana) Bet he didn't see THAT coming.

(end it.)

Sun: HOLY SHIT! Where the hell IS Ryo?!

Matt: Gee, I wonder if the ABR and this Booke scare has a connection.

(meanwhile, back in the arena...)

Black Mage: Okay, so after eighty minutes or so of STABBING and magic that we did NOT see, thanks to the jump to alternate

worlds, the total damage done to Sephiroth can finally be rounded up to "1".

Sephiroth: Ow.

Cloud: And now, I'll finish you-

Tifa: (bursts into arena) Cloud! You're coming with me!

Cloud: Umm... (sweatdrops) Why?

Tifa: Important business! (drags Cloud away)

Sephiroth: (sweatdrop)

Black Mage: _*^)(!^)(&^!)^& (fires Lit-3 at full auto)

Sephiroth: OWOWOWOWWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWWwwww! (stops moving)

Black Mage: Wow. I think I paralyzed him.

Sephiroth: (still remains absolutely still)

Black Mage: Oh, that's right. Sephiroth doesn't have a deceased battle sprite. Well, I win!

(booth)

Matt: No, you're not! You've still gotta deal with Cloud!

(arena)

Black Mage: Dammit! (leaves arena) Now, where could Cloud be? Hmm...

Tifa: (starts giving out loud, glass-shattering shrieks)

Black Mage: Ah. (kicks open men's room door) Found you! (raises knife)

Cloud: (naked, slammed against toilet) Tifa...

Tifa: (also naked, to the delight of the crowd) Yes?

Cloud: Move. Quickly.

Tifa: But you're gonna-

Cloud: MOOOOOVE!

[WARNING: The "Naughty" ending may be too nasty, even for readers of the ABR. So, without further ado, the "Nice" ending.]

(the "Nice" ending)

Tifa: (moves off of Cloud)

Black Mage: DIIIIIE!

Cloud: (grabs Buster Sword off heap of clothing)

Tifa: Wow, this looks almost like the ending of FF7! (looks at Cloud) I'm in love!

Black Mage: Heh, so you wanna fight bare-assed naked, do ya?! Very well, die in NUDITY! (stab)

Cloud: (dodge)

Black Mage: (imbeds knife in toilet) Gah! My knife! Dammit!() &(%%@^$

Tifa: ^_^ Shall I?

Cloud: Go ahead.

Tifa: (pushes handle) Have a nice trip!

Toilet: FLUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH

Black Mage: Nooooo~! Can't... let go of... knife.... getting.... flushed down toilet... by.... woman with... enormous...

gazongas...the Mage... is in... LOOOVE... (singing)... LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE MAKES THE WORLD GO ROOOOOUuuuunnnddd...

*boonk*

Cloud: (sweatdrop) I didn't think that would work.

Tifa: (looks down) Me neither. Poor guy. All that's left of him is his hat...

Cloud: Eh, Barret can wear it for a gunarm cover.

Tifa: Now, get back on that toilet and get back to fucking my brains out.

Cloud: Yes, ma'am!

(okay... "Warning" space up...)

x

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x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

(the "Naughty" ending)

Tifa: (moves off of Cloud)

Black Mage: DIIIIIIE!

Cloud: (points genitals at Black Mage)

Tifa: ...But, you were saving that one for me.

Cloud: Duty calls! (*spurrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrt*!)

Black Mage: (eyes widen in horror) AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....!

(booth)

Sun: I'm not even going to MENTION how disgusting that was.

Rikku: I think I'm gonna go vomit.

Aeris: .......

Bob Vila: When you run out of carpentry glue, there are a number of alternatives that you can use. In my case, I'm using

clamps, but you can use such things as tight rope, metal bolts, sticky leaves, or semen.

Matt: Shut up and keep building our sauna.

Ranma: I'm gonna go gouge my eyes out now. Then I'm gonna get wet and gouge them out again.

Snorb: I'll join you.

Ranma: (turns Snorb towards empty arena) You watch! You son of a bitch, you watch!

(the mens' room)

Black Mage: Ugh! What did you DO to my hat?! I'll show you! I don't even want you two to see me stab you! (casts DARK on

Cloud and Tifa)

Cloud: Dammit, now I'm naked and blind.

Tifa: You know, you don't always have to use your eyes to see, Cloud...

Black Mage: (looks at hat) This white stuff is never coming off... well, since I'm here... (looks in mirror) Damn! Another

pimple! Gotta look my best when I slay Cloud and do Tifa... Wait. I just saw myself without my hat. And, if Mr. Satan and

10% of the audience is any indication.... (bursts into flames) (screaming wildly)

Cloud: Okay, I found the Esuna Materia. (poses) Esuna-All!

Tifa: Cloud! Look!

Cloud: Whoa. The lil' dude cast Fire3 on himself. Or Firaga. Or FIR-3. Whichever you prefer.

Tifa: Well, now that THAT's over with, Cloud, get back on that toilet and resume your fucking my brains out.

Cloud: With all speed, ma'am!

[Fight Eight- Chaz and Rika vs. Cloud and Tifa: The Ultimate Double Date From Hell]

Matt: I think I'm gonna hurl...

Sun: That ending was AWFUL.

Rikku: Big time.

Ami: I don't know how I could actually SEE that without fainting.

Snorb: You're SURE the Loveslave kicked in?

Ami: It did. Wanna go at it again?

Snorb: (gets dragged off before he can respond)

Aeris: *sigh* I wish I had Tifa's good looks... *long sigh*

Sun: Well, as much as we'd love to do this, we have a bit of a Ryo hunt on our hands. Seeing as he was probably flying the

mechanical Booke, I figure he'll know how to undo the warp gates.

David: Dammit, man! We have two more matches to watch! THEN, we can beat the crap out of Greg!

Ami: Ryo.

David: Whatever.

(arena)

Chaz: Christ, I wonder just where in the hell Rika is...

(hallways)

Rika: Hmm-de-dum, I wonder where Chaz could have gone... maybe he's in here? (opens door marked "MEN")

Tifa: Ohh,.... OHH.... Crap! Cloud! Stop! Someone's in here!

Rika: Oh, take your time. I don't mind!

Cloud: You sure?

Rika: Absolutely.

Tifa: .........Kinky. (gets back to moaning)

Rika: It's so nice to help people out. (leaves)

(arena)

Chaz: (swings Elsydeon) Dammit, I need a REAL target. Not imaginary.

Rika: Chaz! There you are!

Chaz: There YOU are... where the hell are Cloud and Tifa?

Rika: Oh, I thought I heard them in the bathroom.

Chaz: !!! Stay right there! (rushes off)

Rika: (sits down) Man, I wish I could play Inca II right now...... Man, I wish I knew what Inca II WAS.... Man, I wish I

knew what an Inca was...

(bathroom)

Chaz: (kicks down door) Cloud! Are you in here?!

Cloud: (muffled) .......Now... is NOT a good time, Chaz...

Tifa: Ohhoh.... not good at all... OHhhH....

Chaz: Okay. I'll just wait here until you two are done.

Tifa: You too?!

Cloud: Oh, crap. I mean, I can do it in front of one person, but TWO... (zip!)

(sounds of clothing being gathered)

Cloud: (opens stall) Okay, let's go head out into the arena. (leaves)

Chaz: I hope he knows he's wearing your gloves.

Tifa: I hope he knows I have his sword. And I hope YOU know I know how to use it.

Chaz: (draws Elsydeon) And I hope YOU know I know how to use the Elsydeon!

Tifa: (draws Buster Sword) And I hope YOU know I know that the Buster Sword (pulls out FF7 manual) "[Cloud's] enormous sword

can cut almost anything in two"! (puts manual back in CD case)

Chaz: I can't come up with a witty comeback to that, so I'm just gonna jam this through you, okay?

(as we leave the Chaz-haters to fantasize about what goes down here...)

Rika: !!! What have you done to Chaz?!

Cloud: Say what...? I thought he was following me...

Rika: (opens Saberclaws) I'll show you what happens if you touch a hair on Chaz's head!

Cloud: (poses with Godhand) You're messing with an ex-SOLDIER, bitch. And you know what they say about SOLDIER...

Rika: That you're a bunch of loudmouthed fools in gray military uniforms?

Cloud: ...Besides that!

Rika: "You mess with SOLDIER... you mess with the best." Oh, crap.

Cloud: .,|;; I'm Cloud Strife, and I'll kick your ass! I have a general idea of where you live!

(as we leave the Rika-haters to fantasize about what goes down here...)

Tifa: (overhead swings)

Chaz: (blocks, tries a counterslash)

Tifa: Hahaa~! (rolls under Chaz) I own swordfighting, Hunter!

Chaz: Your boyfriend does ANYTHING to Rika, and I swear I'll cut those off.

Tifa: Nobody... but NOBODY... (fluffs breasts) threatens MY breasts and lives to tell the tale!

Chaz: I'm quaking in my boots.

Tifa: (throws Buster Sword) HIyaaaaaaflkatflt~O&*#~!!! (Tifa LIMIT BREAK)

Chaz: Oh, shit! (grabs Buster Sword and runs) Leave and let live!

Tifa: COME BACK HERE~! (follows)

(at the same time)

Rika: ...so, why fight? One of us will die, and our loved ones will suffer.

Cloud: Yeah, I guess you're right. (shakes Rika's hand) It's been nice talkin' to you.

Rika: You too, Cloud! (both turn and leave)

Chaz: (rushes into arena, holding Elsydeon) ...your mother!

Cloud: (stops dead, turns around) WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!

(booth)

Sun: Oh, dear. Chaz just insulted Cloud's mother.

Snorb: We should be in for some real treats here.

Ranma: Okay... I'm betting $20 that Chaz and Rika will use the "Two-Dimensional Thinking" tactic and render themselves

invisible to Cloud and Tifa's attacks.

Rikku: (steals Ranma's $20) I'm betting $85 that Cloud and Tifa beat Chaz and Rika into red jelly.

Bob Vila: (walks away from sauna) One Makita Drilldriver says that the grandstand collapses and they ALL get snuffed!

Rikku and Ranma: You're ON! (Rikku pickpockets Bob's drilldriver)

Aeris: ...of course, if -I- had size 64HHHs like Tifa, I wouldn't be able to wear my dress and frock... and I don't want to

dress like Tifa... *sigh* Life's never perfect.

(arena)

Cloud: (grabs Buster Sword) *NOBODY* SPEAKS ABOUT MY MOTHER LIKE THAT! (Cloud LIMIT BREAK)

Tifa: (rolls slot machine) [Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!][Yeah!]

Cloud: (Limit/Level 4/Omnislash)

Tifa: (red flames burst around her) Beeeaaaat Russh! (pummels Chaz) Somersault! (kicks Chaz's groin while backflipping)

Cloud: (red flames burst around him) Omnislaaash! (twirls Buster Sword, slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes

Rika)

Tifa: Waterkick! (does a legsweep on Chaz)

Cloud: (slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)

Tifa: Meteodrive! (picks up Chaz, and piledrives him) Dolphin Blow! (jumps into the air and body-slams Chaz)

Cloud: (slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)

Tifa: Meteorain! (twirls Chaz, jumps up, and hurls him to the ground)

Cloud: (slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(slashes Rika)(impales Rika)

Tifa: Fiiinalll Heaaavennn! (summons energy into her fist, and punches an 18-inch hole into Chaz's chest)

Chaz and Rika: (a white "DEATH" appears over them)

Chaz: (proceeds to cough up his intestines, stomach, liver, pancreas, isles of Langerhaus, colon, part of his anus, and a

tanker-truck's worth of blood before collapsing)

Rika: (turns into a pile of pink and black dust, which proceeds to be blown away by a stray wind)

Cloud: ...Well, that was almost better than sex!

Tifa: Speaking of which... we have a little time before the next match... why don't we? (drags Cloud off)

Cloud: Hey.

Tifa: Oh, relax, Cloud! ...Hey, who wants a souvenier?

Cloud: Maybe Aeris does. She can have this. (throws Elsydeon)

(booth)

Aeris: (reaches to catch the Elsydeon)

Matt: Here we go...

Aeris: (catches it) I love you, Cloud Strife!

Matt: Over you go! (pushes Aeris on the Elsydeon)

Aeris: Hurrrk! x_X

THE REAL DEAL

Vash and Legato \

Mega Man and Proto Man/ Legato and Heero \

Chaz and Rika \ Chaz and Rika /

Serge and Lynx / Chaz and Rika \

Fighter and Black Mage\ Cloud and Tifa/ Cloud and Tifa

Mr. Satan and #18 / Black Mage and Red Mage\ 

Mew and Scratch \ Sephiroth and Cloud /

Cloud and Sephiroth /

THE ANIME BABES

Yuffie, Faye, and Ritsuko \ Faye, Beatrix, and Quistis

Beatrix, Quistis, and Airi/

[Finaru Fantaaji IX- Cloud and Tifa vs. Faye, Beatrix, and Quistis: An Even Crappier Ending Than Final Fantasy V's Ending]

Snorb: Okay. Let's review. We are currently 93.6 KB into this legalized mass murder.

Matt: We have seen 990,027 acts of first-degree murder, including spectator deaths and Aeris's multiple deaths.

Sun: Three people have committed suicide.

Rikku: We have featured graphic descriptions of sexual intercourse five times, including Aeris with the Masamune.

Ranma: I have had my gender changed five times.

David: Two people have used the middle finger as a conversation enhancer.

Matt: 12 people have been seen naked, including Garland, Cecil, Cloud, and repeated tit shots of Tifa.

Snorb: And we have borne witness to three acts of animal cruelty. Frankly, I think we've done a pretty good job so far.

Sun: So, now what?

Snorb: One more Aeris death, and then we wrap with an ending that manages to be worse than both King's Quest VIII's and

Final Fantasy V's ending COMBINED. [Author's Note: That's pretty damned awful, lemme tell ya.]

Matt: Ooh, we should be in for some real treats here.

Snorb: Yep.

David: Of course, the REAL challenge will be finding a way to permanently kill off Aeris.

Ami: I've noticed that a lot, guys. Why DO you hate Aeris so much, anyway?

Matt: Umm...

Snorb: Well...

Sun: You see...

(and so, Sun, Matt, Snorb, David, Rikku, Bob Vila, and Ranma explain it to Ami!)

Ami: ...Wow. That's a whole lot of hostility.

Sun: And it's all Aeris Gainsborough's fault that Sun#2 died and the ABR went to hell! Waaaaah!

Snorb: Oh, and he holds Aer-head personally responsible for the downfall of cyberSaiyans.

Aeris: What?! I can explain *that*!

Sun: I won't hear any of it! KAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME

(forty-seven minutes and twelve seconds later...)

Sun: AME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-

(another half an hour later...)

Sun: ME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME-HAME..........

Everyone except Sun and Aeris: (hide behind something)

Aeris: (easily walks around behind Sun) I've had an hour to prepare for that. And according to Ki Blast rules, you have to

fire it in the direction you're facing.

Sun: (bends over) ...HAAAAAAAAAAAA! (fires Ki Blast out of ass)

Aeris: !!!! ....Ah, you cheating bastAAHGADGHSKDHYV (upper half of body cauterizes)

......

Matt: Can you teach me how to do that?

Sun: When you're sixty-five.

Rikku: (steals Kamehameha)

(arena)

Beatrix: So, has anybody even SEEN Cloud and Tifa?

Quistis: They're probably in the bathroom again.

Beatrix: Okay. So, who gets to break them up?

Faye: Well, let's see... I'm either 22 or 76, depending on how you look at it, so I'm in. Beatrix has possibly been scarred

for life since the "Worrel E. Gigg Incident"...

Beatrix: ...shut up.

Faye: ...and Quisty is 18 years old and thus Cloud would have no interest in her whatsoever.

Quistis: Bite me.

Faye: So, I guess it's up to... (swish!)

Beatrix: How do they DO that?!

Quistis: Practice.

Beatrix: 5w15h!?

Quistis: Enh, close enough...

(bathroom)

Tifa and Cloud: (Oh, you know the drill by now, dammit.)

Faye: Hmm... in order to draw Cloud and Tifa into the trap, I need a plan... time for Operation Double-D. (removes jacket)

Cloud: Whoa. Hold it, Tifa.

Tifa: What is it, Cloud?

Cloud: (to absolutely nobody in particular) I sense a disturbance in the Force! And it seems to be coming from....

Tifa: ???

Cloud: ...behind this wall!

Faye: Fuck! (fires repeatedly through the bathroom stall)

....

Faye: (exhales cloud of powderized porcelain) Whew. I think I finally dealt with those two... so...

(pile of rubble shifts)

Faye: No way!

(arena)

Quistis: NOBODY could survive that!

Beatrix: Not even Cloud!

(ex-bathroom)

Cloud: (eyes glow green) First, you interrupt my honeymoon. Since I'm screwing Tifa 18 hours a day, that's not that

inexcusable. Then, you try to kill me and my new wife.

Faye: Waitaminute! When the hell did YOU two get married?!

Tifa: You'll be surprised how quickly you can find a priest when travelling by Moongate.

Faye: Moongate? Damn, that's how I got here!

Cloud: Lemme guess... Booke?

Faye: Booke!

Tifa: Hmm... so, Booke brought every single one of us here... but why?

Cloud and Faye: .......

Tifa: I think it's so I can show off my wedding ring. (takes out big-assed diamond ring) ^_^ See?! Isn't Cloud the BEST?!

It's so big I'll never be able to wear it, but it's awfully thoughtful of Cloudie!

Cloud: Oh, crap! That reminds me! Then, you try to kill me and Tifa! And, most damnably of all... (pulls out Buster Sword)

YOU PUT A DENT RIGHT *HERE* IN THE BOTTOM MATERIA WELL.

Faye: (squint)

(camera moves into the bottom Materia well and magnifies 1000x. The dent is approximately 1/2" on screen.)

Faye: Cloud, you're exaggerating. I can barely SEE a dent.

Cloud: DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Faye: Bah, enough of this. (shoots Cloud through the head)

Cloud: (head wound seats shut)

Faye: ...Holy shit, I'm a goner.

Cloud: (raises Buster Sword) Eat steel, Valentine!

Faye: AAaaaaaaahhhh! Not the chest!

Tifa: ...Okay. (karatechops Faye's head off)

Faye's Head: Thank you! ...x_X

Cloud: Get dressed, honey. We're goin' on a Booke search.

(booth)

Snorb: Okay. WHAT are we looking for, again?

Matt: We're looking for Booke!

Rikku: Found him, half-deflated in the field, remember? (pickpockets Matt's rifle)

Snorb: What else are we looking for?

Rikku: Ooh! Ooh! I know! Pick me!

Snorb: Reeks, if you say "Treasure chests!", I'm going to not hurt you.

Rikku: .....Treasure BOXES.

Snorb: What ELSSSE?!

Ami: Ryo-kun?

Sun: Bingo! (opens box) And we have all the gear we need to take him down/out. Rifles, shotguns, tasers, infravision

goggles, you name it, we've got it. Ready?!

Rikku: (steals goggles) Ready! (wears Al Bhed goggles)

David: Ready! (pumps shotgun)

Ranma: ReAAAaAAAAAARRRRGGGHH! (accidentally tasers himself)

(arena)

Quistis: You know, it's been a while since Faye left.

Beatrix: She's a big girl. I'm sure she's fine.

Tifa: (enters with an ice cream scoop)

Cloud: (enters with Faye's severed head)

Beatrix: Then again, what do I know?

Quistis: I wonder what the ice cream scoop's for.

Tifa: Call it a trophy holder.

Cloud: Tifa, you explained it to ME, and I don't get it.

Tifa: That's because you're a moron. Observe. (hauls out what's left of Faye's body) See these? In about ten seconds, they

shall become tools used to plan your demise.

Beatrix: ...with an ICE CREAM SCOOP?!

Tifa: Cloud, the knife. (takes the Buster Sword) *slice* *rend* *tear* *etc.* (dips ice cream scoop in Faye's jacket)

Cloud: Ick.

Quistis: I think we should attack now...

Beatrix: Hold on. I'm interested to see where this is going.

(booth)

Matt: Me, too. (looks at Faye)

Sun: Dammit, we all know what Tifa's gonna do.

(arena)

Tifa: (withdraws scoop) Behold. Grade "X" breast mass. (bends ice cream scoop) Observe! (lets go)

Cloud: OHHHH, NOW I get it! :D

Tifa: *groan*

Quistis: (gets smacked in the face) Ack! I'm blinded! Dammit, someone get Faye's breasts out of my face!

Beatrix: (turns towards you) No, get that image out of your head, pervert! (wipes mass off of Quistis)

Tifa: (merrily launching Faye's breasts at Quistis and Beatrix)

Cloud: So... what do *I* do?

Tifa: Just wait until they surrender, silly!

Cloud: Oh.

Beatrix: That's IT! *smack* I've had enough of being assailed by Faye Valentine! Why did we team up with her in the first

place?!

Quistis: Because we hated Ritsuko, Yuffie, and Airi more than we hated Faye.

Beatrix: Oh. (removes helmet)

Tifa: Oh, shit!

Cloud: Yikes!

Beatrix: (fires eye laser at Cloud and Tifa)

Cloud and Tifa: (dive out of the way as Faye's body is vaporized)

Beatrix: EAT HARD GAMMA RADIATION MOTHERFUCKERS

Cloud: You know, this could be a problem.

Tifa: You think?!

Cloud: So, I'll tell you how we're gonna end that eye laser problem. (runs to Beatrix)

Beatrix: Fool. (looks at Cloud)

Cloud: (leaps over eye laser, draws Buster Sword)

Quistis: What is he DOING?!

Cloud: (slices Beatrix in half vertically)

Beatrix: x_

Beatrix: _X (both halves fall over)

(booth)

Snorb: NOOOOOOOOOO

Matt: Damn. I was thinking Quistis would die second.

David: Naah. She's not that bad of a fighter.

Rikku: (steals Ranma's underwear) ...Damn, I'm good.

Ranma: (adjusts pants) Gah, my pants keep riding up.... hey, how'd you get my underwear off without even TOUCHING my leg

or my pants?

Rikku: (blushes) Practice!

Ranma: (falls flat on face)

(arena)

Quistis: ...This is bad. I'm all alone against two masses of raging hormones. Too bad I don't have any help at all...

(stands)

Selphie: (stands up) Yoo-hoooo! Instructor Trepe! Up here! (waves frantically)

Irvine: (pulls hat over eyes) I don't know her. At all.

Selphie: You might want this, Quisty! Tee-hee! ^_^ (throws Strange Vision at Quistis)

(arena)

Quistis: (catches Strange Vision) Is this legal? ...Ah, who cares?! I've got a whip and a pair of giant nunchaku now.

Cloud: I think we're about even now.

Quistis: (starts swinging both) !@_^$_*(@^FAIOAIGYOQWIEGGEJIHGALEJGKHG

Tifa: (sweatdrops) THAT'S a war cry?!

Quistis: Hey, it worked in Live A Live. (starts strangling Cloud with Strange Vision)

Cloud: Grrgh... GGRRHH... (tries to kill Quistis with Buster Sword)

Quistis: *flick* (Buster Sword goes flying)

Cloud: Tiifa... doo... something... (Quistis starts strangling with both her whip and Selphie's nunchaku) GGRRGHLHH..

GGURRRGLE CROAK x_X (dies)

Tifa: Cloud! WAAAAAAAAAAAH T_T ....... I'm a widow. I wonder if Cloud had insurance...?

Quistis: Oh, that's very nice, Tifa.

Tifa: .,|;; YOU! (takes Buster Sword) I'll jam this up your twat!

Quistis: (readies weapons) I'll drive these through those fake boobs of yours!

Tifa: ...WHAT DID YOU CALL THEM?!

Quistis: What did you call it before? "Grade 'X' Breast Mass"?

Tifa: (fluffs breasts) This is high quality, grade "A" breast mass, as anyone who's seen my hentai can attest to!

Quistis: Whatever.

Tifa: Tell you what. We'll settle this in true anime fashion. (throws Buster Sword away, kills last surviving audience

member)

Quistis: You mean...? (throws weapons away)

Tifa: _

Quistis: _ .,|;;

The Sun: (sets in distance)

Quistis: *bounce*

Tifa: *jiggle*

Quistis: HIYAAAAAA (charges)

Tifa: YAAAAAAAA (charges at the same time)

Tifa and Quistis: (begin ripping off parts of each others' clothing)

Tifa: Bitch! (slap)

Quistis: Slut! (slap)

Tifa: Pain in the ass! (rip)

Quistis: Twenty Gil whore! (tear)

Tifa: Dumb blonde! (repeated scratching)

Quistis: Big-breasted sleaze! (scratch once)

Tifa: (starts pulling Quistis's hair)

Quistis: (pulls Tifa's hair)

Both: (fall over)

(booth)

Matt: Ooh, a catfight!

Snorb: By popular demand.

(arena)

Tifa and Quistis: (naked) (both strangling each other)

Tifa: *punch* *punch*

Quistis: *slap*

Tifa: STOP...SLAPPING...MEEE! *slap slap backhand DROPKICK*

Quistis: (goes flying)

Tifa: I'll kill you! (prepares elbow drop)

Shadowy Figure: (throws Titn-Slashrs)

Quistis: (bleeding from lip) .....

Tifa: Nothing to say? Very well, die in silence! (gets ripped apart by the Titn-Slashrs)

Shadowy Figure: (catches Titn-Slashrs)

Quistis: Hey... wait a minute... Tifa and every other combatant in the contest is dead.

(booth)

Matt: And so, after a massive 22-man melee, the last remaining team... or what's LEFT of it- is victorious! Our winner is...

(arena)

Kyra: (steps out of shadows) ...Urawa Ryo! (taps L1) (runs out of arena)

Ryo: (drags feet into arena)

Kyra: (off screen) Dammit, Ryo! Hurry the hell up, will ya?!

Ryo: (monotone) I.... -am-.... hurrying.

Kyra: (off screen) Well, hurry FASTER!

Ryo: Okay. (drags self into arena, poses) I am ready.

(booth)

Ami: !!!

Sun: Holy hell! What in God's name happened to Ryo?!

Rikku: Hang on, I'll check! (swish!)

......

Rikku: (swish!) Okay. Here's what happened. Ryo now has a cybernetic eye, arm, leg, ear, and for some reason, buttcheek. His

left hand has been replaced by a M41 60mm turreted machine gun, more commonly seen attached to F-16s. Oh, and he's been

zombiefied, for some reason.

Matt: ...I think this is bad.

(arena)

Ryo: Dammit, the Relief Charm finally stopped relieving. Oh, well.

Quistis: Who the hell are you?!

Ryo: *points up*

Quistis: Oh.

Ryo: And I am here to claim Ami Mizuno as my bride and do away with her friend Snorb. And for the good of the omniverse, his

friends must die as well.

Quistis: ...Then why are WE here?

Ryo: Bah, I wanted their last moments to be SOMEWHAT enjoyable. Just because I'm a bad guy doesn't mean I have to be a

VILLIAN.

Quistis: .......o_O

Ryo: (points cannon at Quistis) Goodbye, Quistis Trepe. I have to say, though, that you are one sexy and attractive woman,

and if I were still alive, I'd have wild unprotected sex with you any day. Don't mind me, it's the "MURDEr AND RApE"

thoughts that all zombies have, and...

Quistis: (turns green and vomits)

Ryo: Oh, God, a piece of my rotten old arm just fell off. Normally, I'd use a Curaga spell, but I'm a REAL man. So... (glues

the decomposed meat back on) Dammit. If my art teacher saw this, he'd give me an "F" for this failed art/first aid project.

Quistis: (bigsweat)

Ryo: Oh, yeah. YOU DIE (blasts Quistis into red jelly)

(booth)

Matt: That's it! We go now!

[The Final Showdown III- Matt, Sun, Snorb, Ami, David, Ranma, Bob Vila, and Rikku vs. Urawa Ryo: Murder Machine]

Sun: (pulls out chainsaw) Okay, you know the drill! Whoever kills Ryo gets absolutely nothing!

Ami: (takes out wicked-looking knife) .....Then what's the point?

Bob Vila: (takes out circular saw) Wait. I wanna hear this guy out.

Snorb: (takes out katana) Yeah, me too.

Ryo: Okay. When I was but a wee lad of seven, I had heard rumors that the omniverse was... collapsing!

Judges: Gasp. (Rikku opens the Godhand)

Ryo: Anyways, I was given the job of trying to heal the omniverse. I found out that scientists in Crystal Tokyo were trying

to fix the omniverse. I got jealous, so...

Rikku: You stole their tools!

Ryo: I BURNED THEM ALL

Rikku: ...Cool!

Ryo: Anyway, my job is to protect the omniverse. When I found out that Ami was to fall in love with Snorb, I thought,

omniverse be DAMNED, Ami's my bitch. Sick Stalker Freak Mode went on, and I lured the 22 best killers everywhere here. As

luck would have it, they're all dead.

Ami: Boo-hoo.

Matt: (poses) You die now.

Ryo: Oh, and, just so you know, *I* am the only thing keeping the omniverse from complete collapse. You kill me, you kill

all of you.

Ami: Then, why did you use the warpgates, even though they would wreck the omniverse?

Ryo: Omniverse be damned, I want you to ride my cock.

Sun: NNNNNNnnnnnHHHHhh (hits Ryo with chainsaw)

Ryo: Dammit, are you even listening to me?

Sun: Nope.

Everyone: (beats the crap out of Ryo!)

Ryo: Noo! I can't die! The universe will õ¶³‰¥¶³Ž 


End file.
